Getting erotic

I want to tell you a short story about a friend’s experience with her partner. Well, the story is more of a fleeting moment. Most couples experience this encounter. But it’s not necessarily talked about as a couple, only among friends who might find it funny, as I did when my friend told me about her experience one morning.

Anyway, the story goes like this:

One evening, Julie (not her real name) was lying in bed, reading her book while her partner was showering.  The book she was reading was 50 Shades of Grey.  Her thoughts were deeply involved in the story about Anastasia Steele when her partner shouted from the shower: “Do you want to come in with me?” His voice was teasingly alluring and gentle. He shouted again: “Do you want to come in the shower?” Julie, aroused by the story of Anastasia Steele’s exploits, finds this an unusual request from her partner but is excited at the anticipation of what could happen next. So she slid out of bed with erotic thoughts in her head and provocatively peeked around the bathroom door to see what delights awaited her.

What she found wasn’t what Julie had in mind. Her partner was lovingly talking to their new puppy, who was waiting next to the shower. Then he said to the puppy again, “Do you want to come in the shower?” The erotic moment had gone, and laughter ensued as Julie found a different scenario unfolding in front of her.

Becoming erotically charged

Once in a while, we all become erotically energised with thoughts of how we could either seduce someone, sexually step into scenarios we fantasise about or how we make love to our partner. The run-up to the actual act and how it plays out can be very different from the ones we have in our heads. Our sexual exploits might be more exciting than we had anticipated, or they might be less than we had heightened them to be in our heads.  We can often erotically plan out our sexual adventures in our head; sometimes, these sexual desires become spontaneous, while other times, we might feel sexually aroused without feeling any sexual desire at all and still jump at the opportunity because that feels like the thing to do.

But the big question is, would your partner usually be on the same page as you at the same time when it comes to sexual desire?

Having sexual desires at the same time is not necessarily the case with maturing sexual relationships. Most of the time, we are in two different places at the same time, as the story above demonstrates. As to sexual desire, we can be in the same place at the same time, or we can be at a completely different stage of our sexual arousal compared to our partner.  We might even find that we are ready to pounce on our partner and ravage them, while our partner has no idea we want sex.  So our partner then has to play catch-up, or disappointingly, they might say they are not in the right mood for sex.

Ladder of arousal

When looking at sexual arousal, sex therapists usually use a ladder analogy for describing the steps of arousal, which I have adapted slightly ¹.

Each of us has our ladder of arousal.  At the bottom of the ladder, we are on the ground, looking up to see where we can go, as there are a few rungs to the ladder.  The first step onto the ladder is early arousal.  Here, our arousal can be heightened and increases with our erotic thoughts that are driven by our sexual desires, which leads to the next rung of the ladder, sexual desire. The anticipation and excitement stimulate our desire to encounter what we wish to fulfil.  As our desire increases, we move to the next rung of the ladder as our arousal peaks, where our sexual pleasure begins to plateau.

On the plateau, the enjoyment and sensual pleasure of our sexual engagement can go on for several minutes, depending on the next step, pre-orgasm. Between this step and the step below, we can move back and forth in anticipation of the increasing pleasure. In that very moment, we are dependent on which way our arousal takes us: to enjoy the indulgence of the plateau or peak to the higher rung of the ladder to orgasm.  Depending on our gender, our steps to orgasm might be achieved at a different time compared to our partner. Here, we might then look back and see where our partner is on the arousal ladder. They might be in the same place or a bit lower down.  If they are lower down, then you might like to help them climb higher up the ladder, that’s if they want to go higher.

Finally, there is the last rung of the ladder: post-coital intimacy.  Many couples miss this one out.  This final step is essential for the anticipation of how our subsequent sexual encounters might play out, which is especially so for women. The intimacy felt after sex creates a loving connection and bond. It can also make a happy sexual memory of the sex you’ve just had, whether it was a poor experience, an amazingly out-of-this-world experience, or somewhere in between.  So enjoy the post-coital encounter whenever you can, as this will ensure the next time the spark of desire creates a fire, you can savour each moment as you go up the ladder.

Being on the ladder of arousal

We are rarely on the same rung of the arousal ladder as our partner.  When we are at the same arousal stage, it’s a fantastic experience. We feel we have connected and are close.  But when we aren’t on the same step, it’s a different experience.  Sometimes, it can be challenging and awkward.   If there are too many experiences where we feel aroused, and our partner isn’t off the ground, it can also feel as if it might be too much effort to pull them up to the same place.  At this point, they might walk away and say they don’t feel any desire.  Their actions can feel like a rejection, especially if this happens too many times. It can also push you both apart.

Being aware of where your partner is on the ladder can help you, plus they can then feel equal in your sexual pleasure. You might even have noticed this yourself when you think about the stages you have experienced in the past. You could be at the early arousal stage, and your partner might be right at the pre-orgasm phase. Or it might be the other way around, where you can see yourself nearing orgasm, and your partner is just getting to the plateau.  At this point, you might feel the need to pull back, or you might be eager to reach the top.  But whatever stage you’re in, it’s worth considering where your partner is so they can have the same experiences as you at the same time.  While this might not always be possible, you might want to look around to see where your partner is on the ladder of arousal.

As for Julie in our story, she was definitely on the first rung of the ladder and probably on the second, while her partner was on the ground with the puppy, having a cute, loving moment with no sexual desire in sight.  Once Julie saw what was happening, she climbed down the ladder and joined her partner on the ground with the puppy.  However, what would have happened if she had ignored the puppy moment and climbed into the shower with her partner? The outcome could have been very different.  So, would you have chosen the puppy moment on the ground, or would you have stepped into the shower to see what would happen next?  Which option would you have taken?

What if I’m struggling to get on the first step?

While the ladder of arousal can help you see where your partner might be, ideally, you want to be on the same rung of the ladder at the same time. From personal and professional experience, I know this is not always possible. Also, over time, our desires wane, but also spontaneously appear without warning.

So, what can you both do that will help meet your desires at the same time? A straightforward technique developed by leading sex therapist Bernie Zilbergeld ² and Carol Ellison to help trigger sexual desire is simmering.

Simmering

While we can all use other approaches to get ourselves aroused, such as reading erotic novels or watching erotic films together, simmering is a slow, sensual burn that uses the most significant sexual aid available to us: our imagination.

Plus, it only takes a few minutes a day to start simmering.

So, how does simmering work?

The next time you have a sexual feeling, hang on to it for a few moments.  You could have seen an attractive man or woman (depending on your preference) walking down the street or on TV, or recall a memory or fantasy of an extraordinary sexual experience.

Get into the experience by imagining these experiences in great detail, touching, feeling, and smelling their bodies. Feel the texture and temperature of your bodies touching each other. In other words, imagine this as your own X-rated film.

Carry on for a few seconds or a little longer.  Then, let the image fade and let it go.

A couple of hours later, close your eyes and imagine the same scenario again, just for a few seconds. You can return to the same image or change the scene and experience something different.

Continue doing this every few hours or so whenever you have a few seconds spare.

The last step in simmering is to bring your real partner into the fantasy if you haven’t already included them.  You can do this a couple of hours before you meet them or on your way home from work. Start with the imagery of the person you first started with when you started simmering, then fade them out and put your partner into the fantasy. Think about whether you would enjoy doing the same things or something similar with your partner.  When you arrive home, you are probably going to be highly aroused and ready for some fun.

Unless your partner is almost always ready for sex, as they may be simmering all day as well, then you might want to include them in your thinking.

A short call or text can go a long way in getting both of you in the same mood for having some fun. This way, you will both be ready at the same time.

Practice this a few times and always include your partner so they are aware of how you are feeling, and get the ball rolling as many times as you can manage.  It shouldn’t interfere with your work or your life in any way.  However, it should make you feel good and feel sexy by keeping those sexual feelings flowing, ready to have some fun when the time is right.  Ultimately, though, have fun and enjoy the experience with your partner.

I can’t seem to see the urges

If you start to find your sexual urges aren’t flowing, carry a notebook or somewhere you can keep some private notes handy, and for the next week or two, make a note each time you have a sexual impulse that stimulates you.  Even rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. For example, “11 am, Tues, 7, a tall man with a beard in the shop” or “1.30 pm, 8, tall redhead walking down the street”.  Give it a try and see what happens, as you might not have been paying attention to your sexual urges before then.

If you are struggling with sexual desire and you can’t seem to get off the ground with this technique, try speaking to a sex or relationship therapist about it.  They can help.  Give them a try, and don’t be shy.

Photo by Naveen Kumar