25 Sep Being honest with yourself and with others

“I like this thing of us saying exactly what we mean. I wonder if things would have been different if we’d done it a long time ago?”, says Grace.  “Probably not where we ended up, but getting there might have been better”, says Robert.

The quote is an excerpt from the Netflix series Grace and Frankie when Grace and her ex-husband (both in their 70s) talk openly and honestly about what he wants to do about his wedding plans.

While Grace and Robert are fictional, they are a reminder that sometimes it can take a while to be open and honest with each other, just to make things better.  I notice this a lot when couples come to see me. For these couples, there’s a lack of being open and honest with themselves and each other.  They become stuck in not being able to say what they mean. They can’t be honest with themselves or honest with their views about what they want or what they want from their relationship or partner.  So they feel stuck.  They think they can’t say what’s on their mind or if they do say something, it’s usually to get a reaction from their partner. Sometimes they say something that’s hurtful, just to get a response. The response can end up becoming an argument, which might not have been what they wanted in the first place. They may have been trying to ask for your full attention. Or conversely, which can be just as bad, nothing gets said and ends up as another big pile of stuff that’s swept under the carpet.

Not being open and honest is one of the critical reasons couples come along to see me, as they find it difficult to be open and honest at home. For many couples, it’s a safe place to say what’s been on their minds for a while.

Why we can’t be honest with ourselves and others

There are many reasons why we aren’t open and honest with our partner or ourselves.  Here are a few:

“I can’t be that honest.”

“I can’t tell the whole truth.”

“I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

“It would change everything.”

“I’m scared of what will happen.”

“I’m scared of what others will say.”

Your reason might not be on this list, but that doesn’t matter. What does matters is why you haven’t been able to be open and honest with your partner or yourself.

However, psychologically there are many reasons why we aren’t honest with ourselves and others. Here are a few reasons.

1. Secrets and lies. There might be too many times when you haven’t told the truth, and it would cause too many problems for you to start telling the truth now.  An example of this is infidelity.  If you said the truth, your relationship could end. If you did mention the truth, and it didn’t end, then trust has to be built. With trust have to have honesty, which means changing your attitude and behaviour towards yourself and your partner about being honest about your feelings. If there are secrets and lies, then why are you hiding them?  What do you feel the reason is holding you back telling your partner how you feel?  If you were honest in the first place, how different would things have been with your partner?  Would it mean the end of the relationship or the start of something different in your relationship?  In research by Bella DePaulo conducted on couples, she found that dating couples lied to each other about a third of the time, while married couples lied to each other about once in every ten interactions. She also found that couples seem to tell fewer “every day” or “little” lies to loved ones, while 64% of our serious lies (“deep betrayals of trust”) did involve their partner. John Gottman who has researched couples for many years found that in focus groups of couples from all over the US, trust and betrayal were the most critical issues raised by couples.

2. Being honest causes me too much pain. The pain and hurt we feel are usually from our past experiences of being honest that expose our vulnerability. We may have told the truth and been fair in the past, but others have not taken us seriously or have said we are lying or punish us for being too honest.  We feel ashamed of being honest with others and ourselves and guilty for what we have said.  We might even think that we could cause that same pain to others if we are honest with them. So we avoid telling anyone our honest opinion.  But what if we don’t want to feel that pain of feeling vulnerable anymore? What if we’re going to challenge how others see us? What if we’ve had enough of being put down or hiding from our own honesty or our integrity?  Would the hurt and pain be more significant if we kept quiet about how we feel?  If so, how long could you last if you weren’t honest? Sometimes we just want a quiet life, so we keep quiet as the pain and hurt we feel either way is just too much and keeping quiet becomes the most comfortable option.

3. Being honest will change everything.  Being honest with yourself or your partner can be liberating. It will change how you see yourself and change how you look at your relationship with your partner.  However, if you aren’t honest with yourself or your partner, can you remain where you are without being honest?  If you do honestly say how you feel, things and situations will change. If you’re open with your partner, and they are honest with themselves, your circumstances will change. Being honest can change things for the better, as long as you are willing to be open about that change. There is also the fear of making the wrong decision.  We can hold back on being honest because we fear we might make the wrong decision.  Others may disagree with the decision we have made or our opinion, but how will you know this unless you are open about it. Being honest with yourself isn’t about being right or wrong, it’s about how you feel and whether you can continue not being authentic to yourself.

So how do you become more honest?

1. Being honest with yourself and your intentions

To be honest with someone else, you need to know yourself first of all.  You need to be honest about what you want and what your plans are when you are honest with others.  The people around us often influence us.  Our family, friends and even society say we “should” do things in a certain way.  We get married by a certain age, as that’s what we should do as everyone else is “settling down”. Or have a baby because that’s what our parents want us to do “before it’s too late” or we feel pressure from our partner or friends about what we should be doing.

It’s important to differentiate ourselves from the negative influences around us that don’t reflect who we are as a person and what we want out of life or love. Question the voices in our head that say we shouldn’t do something; that make us feel vulnerable or not take risks. Think about where and when these voices have turned into facts. If you are influenced by these voices, being honest doesn’t mean you have to blame yourself or others. It’s not about being cruel; it’s about being compassionate with yourself and your intention. Once you know what you want, then align your actions with what you desire.

If you aren’t sure what your intentions are, then write your thoughts down.  Get them down on paper, so you have a clearer idea of what you are honest about and what your intentions are towards yourself, your partner and your life.

2. Making your words match your actions

If you see yourself saying one thing and doing another, then you need to consider whether your words are matching your actions.  If you say “I love you” but your efforts are to pull away from your partner when they want to get close to you or you make excuses about getting close, then are you being genuine to yourself or them?

When relating to your partner, it’s essential to act with integrity.  Match the words with your actions.  If you say you love your partner, then you need to engage in behaviours that match those words of being in love: making time for them, spending time together and showing them you love them. Show your feelings and not just in words but through your body language and the connection you feel towards them.  So match your actions with the words you honestly think.

3. Be sincere with your responses

Most of the time we wish our relationship could be warm and loving, but there are times when our partner gets on our nerves. Responding to what they say or do, can be a challenge.  We might hook onto the negative aspects of how they make us feel and react by being cruel or hurtful back to them.  These reactions might be because we are feeling vulnerable or angry.  This is when we need to be honest with ourselves and our partner.  Tell them how their behaviour or actions is making you feel unsafe or angry.  For example, “When you stay late at work I miss you terribly” or “I feel less attracted to you when you try to control what we do together or when you act tough”.

Being honest with such direct statements can feel uncomfortable, but they might be how you are feeling and explain why you might be behaving the way you do towards your partner. Being open in this way can lead to more closeness and intimacy, as you describe how you feel towards your partner and what you both can do about it.

4. Be open to feedback

As we become more open and honest with our partner, we have to be open with honesty when it comes back to us. We should always be willing to listen to what our partner has to say and see it from their point of view.  It’s important not to get defensive, punish or argue with every detail they talk about to you.  We also shouldn’t try to manipulate them by becoming the victim of their criticism and emotionally blackmail them into softening their words, as this may make them deceive us in the future by not being honest.  Instead, listen to what they are saying about you and find those kernels of truth that relate to you.  Being able to have a partner who can be honest with you, will create a healthy mature relationship, one where you both can be honest with each other.

5. Accept your partner as a separate person

However close we might feel together with our partner, we need to acknowledge we are two different people with different minds. We might think we know what our partner is thinking or feeling, but that puts our perspective on who we think they are.  They will have their views of doing something, and it might not be the way you want them to be.  The more we accept the reality that they can be different to us, and have a different perspective of the world around them, the easier it will become to take them for who they are and not who we want them to be.  We can then stop pretending to try and mould our partner into someone else, as this can take an enormous amount of emotional energy.  By letting go of them and allowing them to be who they are, we can then be more open and honest with each other. We can then support the things we want to do individually and together that create meaning in our lives.

Compromising can create a space where you both can be yourselves, creating a willingness to be faithful to yourselves, even when it gets uncomfortable.  Ultimately, it can help build trust in your relationship where there might have been doubting. It can also help you trust each other and want you both desire despite your differences.  It’s even letting go of the fantasy you might have had in your mind about how you should lead your life.  It’s about choosing who we want to be.  Being honest can free you from your past, creating a future that is open, honest and authentic in knowing that you can love each other in a way that’s best for both of you.

Photo by IB Wira Dyatmika

Bella DePaulo PhD (2009) The Lies We Tell and the Clues We Miss: Professional Papers.

John Gottman on Trust and Betrayal.