23 Dec Caring – to build connection

Demonstrating you care about the person you love can take many forms. Some of us embrace how to show we care. Others aren’t so sure what caring looks like, while some feel overwhelmed or smothered by too much “caring”.

How we show we care might not precisely be what your partner sees as caring. We each have our own perception of what caring is and how we show that we care. Some of us don’t care about caring, which can be a sorry state of affairs for all.

Over the past few weeks, many of my patients have been struggling to understand what caring is for them and how they can show they care about their partner as well as identify when their partner is caring towards them. Exploring what each other means when indulging in the act of caring and how we would know when our partner is caring can be an interesting exercise.

Showing and noticing your partner is caring can build an emotional and intimate connection you might be missing. Showing you care, even if you don’t feel like it, can enhance a love we might not have felt was possible.

So, to build that connection and take some pressure off the seasonal stress, I have adapted a little exercise from Jennifer Knopf and Michael Seiler’s original exercise¹. You can try showing and identifying caring with your partner in your relationship.

The Caring Day Exercise

We all have our own ideas about caring behaviours and how to show them.  There are three parts to this exercise.  In part one, you are asked to precisely identify what you think those caring behaviours are. Part two is about doing caring actions, and part three is about noticing caring behaviours.

Part One

1. Ask yourself: What exactly could my partner do that would show me that they care?

2. Now, make a list of twelve acts that your partner could perform to show caring. You might think twelve is a lot but bear with me here. Write the list separately and without consulting your partner.

3. Make sure each item on your list is:

• • • Positive and constructive. For example, “Ask me how I spent my day,” rather than “Don’t ignore me so much”.
    • Specific and easily understood. For example, “After we eat, clear the table and do the dishes,” rather than “Help around the house.”
    • A small act that will not consume a great deal of time and could be done daily.
    • Non-problematic. For example, do not add something that has caused a recent conflict or argument, such as topics you have been arguing about for the last month. These could have been about parenting, helping around the house, etc.
    • Nonsexual – for the moment.  None of your requests or rewards should be about sex.  However, do not confuse sex and affection.  For example, “Have intercourse with me” is off-limits, while hugs, massages and “Kiss me goodbye before you leave for work each morning” are all good to add to the list.

If you have trouble thinking of twelve caring behaviours, here are some examples to get you started:

• • • Ask about my day
    • Give me a hug when I get home from work
    • Call during the day
    • Bring me flowers or a little gift
    • Send me a card or leave me a little note saying something positive or loving
    • Fold the washing
    • Rub my neck
    • Make a meal or a dessert I really like
    • Ask me what restaurant or film I want to go to
    • Bring me a cup of coffee or tea to drink while I’m working or when I’m getting ready for work
    • Play with the children when I’m on the phone
    • Do the dishes while I put the kids to bed
    • Tell me I look gorgeous or handsome

4. When both of you have completed your lists, share them.  Then each of you has the right to negotiate which items you would like to refuse or refine because doing this act would make you feel uncomfortable or you think it asks too much of you.  However, if you reject one on the list, you need to come up with an alternative to make up the twelve doable items.

5. Put your lists on the refrigerator door or somewhere both of you can easily see the listings each day.

Part Two

1. Carry out four items from your partner’s list every day, and your partner should do four things from your list each day as well. You can do more than four caring behaviours if you want to, but do not make this a competition with your partner. It’s not about one-upmanship. It’s about caring.

2. To break the habit of acting positively only after your partner has done something positive for you, do things whether or not your partner makes similar gestures.  Don’t wait to see who goes first. Take responsibility for what you do, to what your partner doesn’t do.

3. Perform the caring act without expecting to be thanked, rewarded, or even acknowledged each time you show you care.

4. Do them even if you do not feel caring. I’m not asking you to be dishonest, but I recognise you may feel angry, hurt, and resentful rather than feeling positive.  Nonetheless, this exercise asks you to act as if you care, to give and receive positive gestures so that you can once again become aware that there is more to you, your partner, and your relationship than the problems you have.

Part Three

1. Keep a record of the caring you receive, not a score, but remain aware of – and acknowledge – the caring things your partner does for you each day. Use a ledge or a spreadsheet to list the caring behaviours you requested in the left-hand column and the dates in the top row so you can check off each of the ways your partner has shown caring that day. You can do this at the end of each day, although at first, you may want to mark your chart throughout the day.

2. Once a week or so, look over your record and remind yourself of what your partner has done to show caring, and take note of any items that you may have overlooked.  You are not to compare what you have done to what your partner has done.  However, suppose there is some caring behaviour you really want to see but have not been getting. In that case, you are responsible for asking – in a gentle, non-accusatory way – if there is a reason that the item has been neglected and if your partner could try to do that particular behaviour during the upcoming week.

The Caring Days Exercise can produce an immediate change in the emotional ambience of your relationship.  It may not dramatically change or solve your problems. But after interacting with caring gestures and positive behaviours in your daily interactions, you will notice shifts in attitude that can pave the way for the effort in change to take place in the future.

I hope it works for you.

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

1. . This exercise has been adapted from an exercise in the book Inhibited Sexual Desire by Jennifer Knopf and Michael Seiler