Risqué talk

“We only talk about sex in bed, in the dark, when no one else is around”, said Lauren. “It’s something we keep private”.

Sex is a private experience for many people, including Lauren and Pete. For them, talking about sex was a solitary act between them and no one else. Sex had also become an embarrassing and scary topic to talk about. Risqué talk had to be done in the dark, where they couldn’t see each other.

Lauren and Pete’s experience of being sexually suggestive is similar to many couples, not just the ones I see in my clinical practice. Talking about sex in the daylight can be seen as vulgar but, deep down, also titillating. In the dark, our imaginations take over, and we can fantasise about our sexual wants. We can sometimes let go of our inhibitions.

Many people talk about sex with their friends.  It can then be about someone else joking about sex and even, at times, divulging some raunchy details about some sexual act they or someone else they know might practice. However, lots of couples find that when it comes to talking about sex with their partner, they get stuck.

Couples seem to find talking about sex together a more private affair.

So when it comes to talking about sex with our partner, even to get the spark of sexual desire going, it might feel a bit of an uphill struggle, even mechanical, unfamiliar or new territory.

What I have noticed in many couples is that if there is a hint of the erotic seeping into the bedroom by suggesting an idea, something out of the ordinary happens. A spark of excitement might create a sense of exhilarating naughtiness, which generates a twinkle in the sexual imagination, especially if all the right notes are played to create a tune that’s right for you.

This is what happened to Lauren and Pete. Both had lost the desire for sex, as it had become dull, routine and mechanical. When introducing the idea of talking about sex in the bedroom, they discovered their erotic imaginations were alive, melting their inhibitions away and wafting the embers of a passionate sex life they never thought could be possible.

These moments that get the embers of desire glowing can increase sexual heat and can gently spark scintillating erotic thoughts to produce an incredible experience when the right words and actions are spoken. These words can keep the smouldering embers alight and turn sex into a roaring furnace, steaming away as long as the embers keep glowing.

So, how did Lauren and Pete change their sex life? They found the words that allowed them to indulge their erotic desires, which challenged their inhibitions. They let go of keeping their private sexual thoughts to themselves and opened up their sensual side in the bedroom.

So, how can you find the words that will work for you in extending your sexual repertoire?

Extending your sexual vocabulary

Spicing up your sexual vocabulary can be as thrilling as well as a daunting experience. Putting words into the air which you may never have imagined mentioning to anyone else before can be intoxicating.

There are a couple of steps to extending your sexual language and turning some keywords into an erotic conversation.

Firstly, I would like you and your partner to play a game. It’s a game of words. I would like you both to think of as many alternative words as possible for penis, vulva, vagina, testicles, breasts, nipples, sex and orgasm and shout them out!  Yes, get them out!  You can also say them in a scintillating way (in a slow, deep voice) if you want. You can also make it a bit of a competition between you and your partner. See who can get as many words as possible. Have some fun with it. Go wild with your imagination!

I’ve put together a handy worksheet, so once you’ve blurted them out, you can write them all down. You can download the worksheet here.

Once you’ve both come up with as many words as possible, talk about which words you have on your list that are similar. Are these words a turn-on for you? If so, circle them. If there are words you don’t like, as they would put you right off thinking about sex,  just put a line through them. Also, think about which words,  if spoken in the throes of a passionate moment, would either be like pouring cold water on that blazing fire you’re trying to grow or which words would increase that passionate fire. When it comes to talking about sex, use the words you have circled. Learn them, have them in the back of your mind. They will come in handy for the next step.

Elaborating on your sexual imagination

Now, this is where you can get a bit poetic. Don’t worry if you aren’t that way inclined. I want you to use your imagination, as we are going to add some additional excitement to your erotic vocabulary. I’d now like you to think about adding some words that you see as sexy, are a double entendre, or an innuendo you find thrilling. I’ll start you off: slip, slide, wet, hard, soft, tight, long, smooth, pulsating, etc. Have a go and write down as many words as you can imagine that will get you excited.  You can write them on the same sheet I hope you’ve downloaded.

Now, I’d like you to think about putting in some sexual action. List as many words as you can that are similar to touch, hold, grab, plunge, push, pull, etc.  Keep on going and list as many as you can. The lists are not exhaustive; they are boundless, just like your imagination.

Pulling it all together

Once you have completed your two lists, circle the words you like and cross out the ones you dislike. You can then start to pull them together to create a few erotic sentences.  For example, you could start by saying:

(Action word) me, and (descriptive word) your (sexual word) until...

Now have a bit of fun and use the words at your pleasure. Find your erotic repertoire and have some fun extending the erotic language that works for you.