04 Dec Family Traditions: Is it about time for a change?

As Christmas and other religious, seasonal festivities rapidly approach, we start to think about the family traditions we go through each year.  Some of them are fun and exciting, while others we dread and wish they would end. Family traditions are part of our life. But as Christmas approaches, all these traditions we’ve probably played out most of our life, come to the fore. However, when we are in a couple relationship, these family traditions can become a challenge, especially when it comes to deciding whose traditions should be adhered to and why.

Some of these traditions could be deciding when to put up the Christmas tree, which family Christmas decorations should be placed on the tree that brings back sentimental and childhood memories, which type of main course should be eaten for Christmas lunch and dinner and who should cook the meal. Other traditions incorporate other family members, such as whose family and parents should be invited into your own home Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day or even whose parents house should we attend this year?  Then there is the traditional routine on Christmas morning along with when to open the presents, and so, the list goes on.

It’s the one time of the year that family traditions can get in the way of why these traditions are there in the first place.  We start to forget what’s important and these family traditions can sometimes override what others want to do.

I see many couples who have kept to the traditional ways their family of origin has maintained for many years. While one partner gets sucked into the customs of the other’s family traditions, the other partner feels obliged to stay and continue this tradition. Then it becomes the tradition of the couple’s family to do this each year.

Christmas is a stressful time of year anyway.  There are a multitude of reasons as to why it’s stressful, but keeping a family tradition that you feel obliged to keep alive, can be a significant stressor, especially if it is something you don’t want to do in the first place. It becomes stressful when you are thrust into a tradition that everyone must adhere to precisely, that it doesn’t become fun anymore.  It might even not have been fun in the first place, but you just do it to keep someone happy, even if it’s to the detriment of your own happiness.

Changing the family tradition

There are many reasons as to why you feel you should keep family traditions. We then get locked into thinking that we should keep them because it’s always been that way!  However, there are just as many reasons to change the tradition or at least compromise on them, so they are right for you and your partner.

A fundamental question to ask yourselves is, who are you doing this family tradition for?  Many couples I meet, focus on their partner’s family traditions because they want to make their partner happy.  However, when asked, does this family tradition make them happy, the majority of the time the answer is “no”.  This can cause tension and additional stress between the couple and over time can feel like you are being coerced into keeping up the tradition to keep the peace. Your partner might also believe that if this tradition is changed, their family will think poorly of them. If this is the case, then it’s time to review the tradition.

Ask your partner whether they enjoy this tradition and why.  Asking this question is to understand whether they like this tradition, and partly to know how you can approach the problem of changing this belief that the festivities should always be this way.

If your partner is happy with the way things have always been done, or your partner is just doing this for their family, ask them how they would like to change this tradition and what would it mean to them if you both created your family tradition together.  Then explain why you find this family tradition hard to keep and why you don’t enjoy it.

If you change the family tradition or don’t want to do it anymore, let those who want to keep the tradition alive know that you won’t be partaking in their tradition this year.  Let them know why and what you will be doing differently.  It might feel scary, challenging old traditions, but for whose benefit are you keeping these alive and for what reason?

Creating your own family tradition

Creating a new family tradition can be fun, as well as challenging old traditions. It doesn’t mean you have to change all the family traditions, just the ones you find confusing or those that are just too rigid.

To change a family tradition, make a list of all the small part of the traditions you would like to keep.  Then think of as many new ones you would like to add.  Think about what your friends do this time of year, look at what other cultures do as well, and see if there is something you would like to add to the mix. Remember, this is about creating enjoyment, hope and celebrating the joys and special moments in your life.  Also, if you wish, think about any of religious or spiritual reasons for your traditions and the meaning behind them.

Once you’ve got your list, create a new tradition together. Make it fun and enjoyable, and with meaning.  It’s about creating a tradition that’s right for both of you. Even alternate your smaller traditions each year as well as review whether you need to tweak the tradition next year, just to improve it.  Free yourselves from the shackles of the old traditions and embrace your newly created ones.  Then make it your family tradition each year to add or take away something, just to keep the tradition fresh and alive.

Whatever you decide to do, enjoy creating something together that’s right for both of you.

Image by Kevin Curtis