23 Oct Feeling pleasure: sensual touching

Sensual touching

Throughout our life, from birth to adulthood, we are held and touched by different people: our mother, father, siblings, grandparents, friends, lovers, partners, spouses, etc. Each time one of these people touches our skin, we feel a different sensation. We can feel loved, empathised with, creeped out, comforted, sensual, contented, closed, or any other number of feelings.  These feelings can stay with us throughout our life.  But what is it like for you to give and receive a loving touch? What is it like when it comes to touching your partner and the feelings you put into a sensual touch? Being sensually touched can bring up a whole set of different emotions.

I know from my own experience that being touched on my face or hands by different people creates an entirely different reaction in me compared to how a lover from my past felt my body or now in the present with my wife. I also know from the experiences of others who I see in a professional capacity that being touched in different ways can sometimes create a mixed reaction: a feeling they might not have expected, a feeling they would have liked but didn’t get, or even a sense of surprise of desire, disgust or rejection.

Some couples feel comforted by their partner’s touch, while others become highly aroused. Sometimes it might have the opposite effect, and one partner is completely freaked out by the creepiness of their partner’s touch.  Being touched can create many different responses in our body, mainly because different parts of our body can carry emotional echoes from our past.

I won’t go into any past experiences my patients have had. That’s for another post, but I would like you to explore how you feel about being touched by your partner and how you might handle being touched sensually, even erotically, by your partner.

Being touched sensually

It can be a fantastic feeling when our partner touches us. The different sensations and emotions that come from their touch can be incredible, especially when there’s a spark of anticipation, excitement, or pleasure.  We often feel this in the very early stages of our relationship.  Sex can be exceptional, and each time our partner touches us, we can become aroused, which can be such a glorious feeling.

As time goes by, the sensations we get from our partner’s touch can start to fade. It can feel more like a damp squib compared to the incredible fireworks in the early stages of the relationship. We also might not put as much effort into how we touch our partner, as it may feel as if we have become stuck in the same dull routine of touching our partner in the same way that used to get them aroused.  Whatever technique you used to employ in the past may now need to be tweaked, mainly to get that erotic touch and feeling back again. Whatever you are doing now with your fingers, you might feel you’ve lost your touch in more ways than one.

Sensual touching

How do you get back that sensual feeling so your partner feels as if they are being touched erotically by you?

I want you to try a little experiment.  It’s straightforward, and you don’t even have to get naked, but you will need your partner.  It’s all about having a little fun with how you touch each other.

So what do you do?

1. Ask your partner to sit down with you. Explain that you would like to do a little experiment about touch. You would like to see if they can feel any difference between the way you touch them in two different ways.  Once you’ve completed the exercise, ask your partner to do the same to you so you can feel the difference in how each touch feels.
2. Ask them to expose their arms up to the elbow.  Then ask them to close their eyes for a few minutes as you are going to touch them in two different ways on their arm, and you would like them to see if they notice the different sensations created by these two different ways of touching them.
3. Tell them to relax and enjoy the experience.
4. Now I would like you to touch them in a sensual way that you think they would enjoy.  Start by touching the tips of their fingers with the tips of your fingers and slowly caress their fingers. Working your way down their fingers, brushing the tops of their hands. Turn their hands over and firmly touch the palms of their hands so as not to tickle them. Work your way down to their wrists and their forearms. Remember to think about what they might like, what they would enjoy, what would arouse them, and how they would want to be touched erotically. Slowly, sensually move your fingers, then caress their arm and hands using your whole hand across their arm in a way you think they would find erotic. Do this for about a minute or a little longer if you think they are enjoying the sensations. Then stop.
5. Now say you are going to touch them the second way now.  This time use the same technique you completed before by caressing their fingers first and working your way up their arm, but this time I want you to touch them in a way you would enjoy being touched. Think about how you would like to be caressed erotically.  What would be sensual for you?  What would turn you on if a lover touched you? You can close your eyes if you wish to feel the sensations you would like yourself.
6. Think about the sensations your fingers are making on your partner’s skin. Erotically feel the small detail in their hands and arms. Feel the sensations in a way that turns you on sexually. What type of touch would be tantalisingly sensual for you on your skin? Imagine what it would be like to be seductively touched, to be seduced in a way that would arouse you.
7. After a minute or so, stop.  Then ask your partner which touch they enjoyed most of all. What did they like about it, and why did they feel one was different to the other?  You might be surprised by their reaction.  The majority of partners find the second touch more erotic and enjoyable.
8. Now it’s your turn to be touched. Ask your partner to follow these instructions so they can do the same to you so that you can feel the difference.

Giving and receiving

What this little experiment will hopefully show is how we feel about the way we touch our partner and how it can create different sensations depending on whether we want to please our partner or whether we want to find sensual pleasure in what we are doing, just by enjoying the experience for yourself.

We often want to please our partner. This is sufficient when it comes to our relationship generally. Still, to gain some pleasure in satisfying our partner sexually, we sometimes need to succumb to receiving pleasurable sensations, especially when it comes to sex.

During sex, we can become so absorbed in wanting to please our partner, giving them as much pleasure as possible we forget to receive the same for ourselves.  Receiving pleasure for ourselves can be a difficult switch to make, mainly if you are used to offering yourself to care for others, to give more than you receive or you’re not used to being able to accept pleasure from others. By allowing yourself to experience and offer, you will start to enjoy the pleasures you receive from your partner. It’s about indulging yourself in accepting what you find enjoyable from your partner.  It’s not about being selfish; it’s about allowing yourself to receive pleasure in a loving, exciting and erotic way.

As the exercise above shows, you can give and receive at the same time.  You can enjoy giving your partner what you find most enjoyable by touching them in a way that feels good for you.  By allowing yourself to experience the sensations, a sensual spark can ignite an unexpected erotic fire you both can enjoy.  You can even teach your partner what you find enjoyable by showing them what you enjoy.  Show them how to touch you in a way that you enjoy.  Allow them to enjoy the feeling of caressing you, or just talk through how you feel when they caress you in certain places; even tell them what excites you and what feels tremendously exhilarating.

If you have found this exercise difficult in any way, or have found that it raises some questions about your own sex life, talk it through with your partner.  If you feel you are going around in circles, you might like speaking to a professional relationship or sex therapist.  They will be able to help you understand some of the difficulties you might be experiencing, as well as help you work towards creating a more satisfying and exciting sexual relationship that is enjoyable for both you and your partner.

Photo by Christopher Campbell