16 Oct Finding happiness in sex

There are many reasons to have more sex. One of the biggest, however, is that it increases our own happiness and well-being.  Hopefully, this is something we all want, right?  But what if we are stuck in a predictable pattern of having the same old sexual routine, or not having any sex at all?  You might recognise your own routine.  You could be waiting for your partner to make you feel desirable, or you might even be waiting for them to ask for sex. Waiting for them to say something might then make you feel apprehensive about what will happen next, as it might not be the way you would want it to be, or sex just doesn’t happen at all.  Unfortunately, this is when we know the sexual side of our relationship might need a boost.

No one can fix our sexual relationship for us unless we put in the work to try and fix it ourselves. Making an effort can sound like a lot of hard work, but it can also be fun and pleasurable with a little energy.  The best person to ask about enhancing your sexual experience is your partner.  They know what they like and don’t like. Talk to them about what they find pleasurable in sex and incorporate these fresh ideas into your lovemaking.  Also, pay attention. The more present you are in the moment with your partner, the more you can hear the subtle erotic cues they enjoy. We can then focus on these tactile sensations, and not just in the genital area, and find sensual and sensitive regions throughout their body to heighten the full range of pleasurable feelings.

Preparing your time together

1. Do everything you can to keep the emotional balance of your relationship warm and friendly so you can open up the channels of communication that will allow sexual desire and responsiveness to flow freely.

2. Be more present when talking to your partner about sex. By limiting any distracting thoughts you can show up and pay them attention so you can feel engaged with all the pleasurable sensations you will both can experience.

3. Set a time for making love. We all have busy lives where other events, activities or people are competing for our time. By scheduling in sex, you are demonstrating you care enough to make time for being intimate with your partner. Circle a time and date in your diary to build up the anticipation of the pleasures to come.  Diarising sex doesn’t take away the spontaneous moments you might also enjoy, as you can add these moments around the scheduled times.

4. Take care of yourself by not overworking or overexerting yourself. Get enough rest, so you have plenty of energy for some sexual fun.

5. Send each other little erotic notes during the day. A letter in the lunch bag, a quick call, a voicemail or a text of what turns you on or what you would like to do to your partner when you next met, just to start simmering those erotic sensations.  The anticipation can be just as fun.

Creating the right atmosphere

1. Prepare your room with some soft mood lighting, such as a red light, candles to set an erotic mood.
Make your bedroom comfortable with high-quality bed sheets, pictures on the wall that bring you joy and furnishings that pleases you.  Create your own little sensual boudoir.

2. Use soft, slow relaxing music to set the mood. You can make a compilation of your favourite songs or just some relaxing background music. Remember it’s about feeling relaxed, so keep the music soft and in the background.

3. Take a shower together. Gently wash each other’s bodies can be arousing. Take your time getting to know each other’s bodies while gently caressing your partner’s body with the soapy sensations of your hand or sponge.

4. Taking a relaxing warm bubble bath can be just as fun as a shower.

5. Wear perfume or cologne your partner finds sexy on you, as fragrance can be a fantastic aphrodisiac.

6. Wear lingerie you find sexy.  Silky lingerie can be erotic to the touch both on your skin and your partner’s.

7. Tell your partner you desire them. Tell them what you are thinking and what you would like them to do to you. Sadly we can’t read minds, so tell them what you find pleasurable.

8. Tell your partner your secret erotic fantasies. These are just your fantasies, and they don’t necessarily have to be played out.  It’s just the telling of the sexual fantasy can be even more erotic.

In the moment

1. Devote your lovemaking to just one of you at a time. Explore your partner’s body and pleasure, savour the moment.  A good lover is also able to receive as well as give. Allow your partner to devote their erotic energy to you as seeing someone gain pleasure can be very sensual. Remember, the next time you have the opportunity together, your partner can reciprocate the passionate experience.

2. Vary your locations for sex to add a bit of spice.  Try a different room, on the sofa, if you find a space outside where it’s private, remember to take a soft blanket for comfort.

3. Vary your techniques by breaking up the routine.  Look at lovemaking as a menu.  Having a quickie can be just as tasty as a long lingering lovemaking feast. Add little appetisers to nibble on before and after the main meal.  Use a variety of language to set your taste buds and imagination alive.

4. Experiment by looking into each other’s eyes while making love. Flirt with your eyes, look longingly into your partner’s eyes, see the erotic feelings glowing there. Keep your eyes open as long as you can to enjoy the pleasures each other is feeling.

5. Remember to breathe. We often forget to breathe when we have sex. When having an orgasm, we often hold our breath.  If you breathe through your nose deeply, more oxygen will get into each part of your body, creating more delicate sensations for you to experience.  Practice breathing before during and after sex. Taking a few deep breaths will allow you to become fully aware of the erotic feelings at every stage of your lovemaking.

However you practice your lovemaking, have fun doing it, even be a bit silly with it and enjoy each other’s company, as the experiences of having sex can bring pleasure and happiness to both of you.  We might feel the comfort of what we already know, but be willing to get embarrassed and try something new out of the routine you already have.

It can take a lot of courage, creativity, strength, support, willingness to do something different.  But all these changes and effort can pay off.

If these home remedies don’t work and you are struggling with your sex life, do talk to a professional sex therapist.  They will be able to help you get back on track so you can enjoy the simplest of life’s pleasures.

Photo by Anne Edgar