27 Jul First you need to find the relationship with ‘you’

Being kind to yourself

It’s sometimes difficult to know what you need to do to have a good relationship with someone. Certainly, everyone else has an opinion on how you should be in a relationship – your partner, friends, colleagues, parents, siblings, even your boss! But one thing they can’t tell you about is how to have a relationship with yourself. Everyone thinks that good relationships are about getting on with your partner or your work colleagues. But if you think about it for a minute, when things go wrong, who might have the problem first of all, and why might you get upset with your partner. It’s usually because you aren’t getting along with yourself. I’m not saying that this is always the case. There are times when we know it’s the other person’s fault. But, think about it. Is it their fault? Well, yes, you say. It’s always their fault. Well, what if they had a problem with you? Would you admit it was your problem? You might. But we don’t usually like to hear that we are the “problem”. This is where you need to ask yourself: “is your relationship with ‘you’ good enough?”

If you have a good relationship with yourself and know who you are and what you are like, other relationships would work well most of the time. If we all had a good relationship with ourselves, would there be any relationship problems? If I have a pound each time, I heard the statement “you need to fix him (or her)” when a couple comes along with problems with their relationship, I would be a rich person. It’s funny how the other person, other than yourself, thinks they need to be ‘fixed. It’s always someone else who is causing the problem, and they need fixing. Well, sometimes, this is the case, but if we all knew who we are, then would we have the problems we have with others?

Having a relationship with yourself
So, what do I mean by having a good relationship with yourself? It’s a little bit about discovering yourself. I don’t mean in the ‘new age’ sense. I mean in the way we all try to have a good relationship with others. To be able to get on with yourself and find the space to know who you are!

How often do we actually think about giving ourselves time to think about what we do to others and how this makes us feel? Or even think about the feelings that have made us feel the way we do when we have problems with others? Step back and think: “if I were in a relationship with myself, would I like being with that person?” For some men, it might be difficult to even think about this. While for others, they might be thinking: “how do I make myself a better person?” While this is a blog not necessarily aimed at men, it should give everyone some food for thought about being and dealing with ourselves in a more considerate way.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Good relationships are about having a good relationship with yourself first and foremost.” quote=”Good relationships are about having a good relationship with yourself first and foremost.”]

So how do we find ourselves?
Find some time and a place where you can find a quiet moment to yourself. Then when you are calm, think about who you are and what sort of relationship you have with yourself. Is your relationship with ‘you’ an abusive one where you are always angry, a calm one where you are too passive. Or are you walking all over yourself, being selfish where you are already too involved with yourself that you can’t see what you are doing to yourself, let alone others, or are you somewhere on the edge of wanting to be someone else?

I’m not saying you need to change your personality, but think about the person you are and how could you change, maybe just one part of yourself to enable you to have a good relationship with yourself. For me, I’ve been working on myself for over a decade. I can’t say it’s been easy working on myself, but it’s been interesting.  I had to change some of the things I didn’t like about myself, while other parts of myself I wished I kept but know they wouldn’t be any good for the person I am today. Maybe this is a bit of nostalgia coming out, but I did like a lot of my younger self that I am now getting back in touch with.  It can be enlightening reminiscing on the person you might have been if life had taken a different course and how different I might be now (although don’t dwell on this too much, just remember the good times). One of the good things that have come out of understanding myself is that I have a completely different relationship with myself now compared to my past self. But I had to start somewhere and so can you if you would like to have a good relationship with yourself.

If you would like to find yourself and start to have the relationship you want with yourself, spend some time alone and see who you might be. So get a cup of coffee or tea and find somewhere quiet, go for a quiet walk by yourself, ask for some time by yourself at home – easier said than done at times. But make some time for yourself. We all need time by ourselves once in a while. If you need some help doing this, then seek professional help to find out who you are. Counselling does give you that quiet space to feel and think about who you might be. Think of counselling as an investment by putting some work into your relationship with yourself. You might have a good relationship with yourself already, but hey, we can all improve our relationships. Why not start with yourself first of all. If we all had a good relationship with ourselves, then we might all get along with being who we are, as well as with others in a more contented, happier way. Wouldn’t we?

Image by Lucas Sankey