11 Sep Four steps to listening effectively to your partner

Hearing what your partner is really saying can be tough at times.  We sometimes don’t want to listen to what they have to say or ignore what they are trying to say.  But we could be missing out on what they are feeling.  Don’t miss out on what your partner is saying.  Try this listening exercise to get back on track.

Step One

Agree on a time and place where you can talk comfortably.  It has to be a suitable place to discuss a topic of your choice.  Somewhere, you both feel comfortable and able to speak openly and freely. It can be at home, but not in the bedroom.  If you have children, make sure they are not around or are asleep. You can always close the door on them or just let them know you need some time together. Alternatively, you could go for a walk or even find a quiet spot in a café.

Once you have found somewhere, decide what you are going to discuss. Choose just one thing. The first time you make time, choose a non-confrontational topic, such as what you plan to do this week or what you found attractive in your partner when you first met them. Once you have completed the exercise a few times, you can talk about the issues bothering you. Make sure you both agree on the topic. If you both have a theme in mind, decide what this should be before you get started.

Step Two

Before you start to talk about your topic, make sure you are sitting next to each other rather than facing your partner.  Sitting in this position can make the conversation less confrontational.

Now, decide who will talk first of all.

The Talker, whoever that might be, should start by only describing a few sentences on the chosen topic, while The Listener listens to what The Talker has to say about the subject. Breaking up the conversation will give The Listener a bite-sized view of the topic and not all the information in one go, as the Talker will repeat this step.

The Listener should try to listen and hear what the Talker is saying. When listening, do not interrupt the Talker. Listener, you will get your chance to talk, so try to take mental notes on what is being said and try not to think about how to respond, not just yet.

Step Three

Once The Talker has finished their couple of sentences (which should not be a long tirade about what’s wrong with your partner, etc.), The Listener should think about what has been said and outline what they’ve just heard.  The Listener should not respond to the Talker’s comments or react negatively but relay back your understanding of what The Talker has said.

Listener: if you need your partner to explain anything, ask them to clarify the details.  Then, summarise what you have heard.  You can start your response by saying, “From my understanding of what you’ve said, I heard you say…“.  Remember, this is about what you have heard and not how you feel about what you heard.

Now repeat Steps Two and Three until The Talker has talked enough about the topic.

Once the initial Talker has spoken, swap over, and so the initial Talker listens.

Repeat Steps Two to Three until the second Talker has talked about how they see the topic from their perspective.

Once you both have had a chance to talk and listen, go to Step Four.

Step Four

Now you have had time to listen to what each other has said about the chosen topic, both of you should take a few minutes to think about what you’ve heard.

It might not be easy to hear what your partner has said, so try not to be defensive. Own what you feel and tell your partner how listening to what you heard made you feel when they talked about the topic. For example, “When you said…xxx, it made me feel…xxx“.  Take the same approach to Step One and Step Two.

Now that you have heard what your partner has said, you need to think about what changes you need to make yourself. It’s not all down to your partner. It’s about you as well.

Also, think about how you might complete this exercise differently next time and agree on when you would like to talk again. Initially, try to do this every other day, and put it in your diary!

Once you’ve completed the exercise a few times, make the meetings closer together. If you carry on with this approach to talking, your communication should improve. It may seem strange to speak this way initially, but when couples complete this exercise a few times, they can feel heard, listened to and understood.

Some rules for the exercise

Before you start the exercise, here are a few rules:

1. No distractions

   No TV, radio, computers, phones or anything digital on or near you. Try to make the room as distraction-free as possible.

2. No alcohol

   Try not to go to a pub to do this exercise or start the exercise with the usual glass of wine in the evening. This can be another distraction.  It can also be sobering to hear what your partner has to say without the blur of alcohol.

3. No arguing

   If you start to argue about any aspect of what you are talking about, stop. Calm down and take a break. Take a few deep breaths. Even walk away, and if you can, come back and finish off the exercise.  If not, try another time, but both of you must agree on when and where to complete the exercise.

4. No interruptions

   When your partner is talking, don’t interrupt. Just listen to what they have to say. It might be difficult not to interrupt, but it might also be the first time you’ve had to listen to your partner wholeheartedly. Also, if you are thinking about interrupting, you aren’t listening. You might even be thinking about what to say next, which isn’t listening. It might also be the first time your partner has been able to talk without interruptions. If your partner does not say anything while it’s their turn to speak, they might need this time to think about what they would like to say next. So give them that time to think.

5. Own what you are saying.

   When talking, own what you are saying. Take responsibility for how you feel and say how you feel. Please do not blame your partner for anything you feel they have said, but do let them know how you feel when they have said something that has upset you. Also, try to mention any positive impact they have had on you. For example, “When you do this… it makes me feel as if…”.

6. Don’t use destructive words.

   Do not use the words “you never” or “you always.” They can be very destructive. You may feel your partner does something repeatedly, but it is “never” or “always” all the time.

7. Be flexible on time.

   When completing the exercise, don’t be too rigid with the time. Don’t be too flexible, either.  If you feel you don’t need all of the time to talk, then let your partner know. But do give yourself and your partner time to think during the exercise.

8. Enjoy the time with your partner.

   Be yourself and enjoy the time you have with your partner. It may only be one of the few times you have together without any interruptions, so enjoy it.

If you find this exercise doesn’t work for you or find it difficult, you might need to speak to a counsellor specialising in couple relationships.  They will be able to help you explore what’s troubling you and help you both find ways to talk about your concerns, as well as explore how to rekindle your relationship.

If you get on well with the exercise, try talking this way more frequently.

Image by Toa Heftiba