07 Aug How do you ask your partner for sex? 5 different ways of asking

As a relationship therapist, I always ask couples how do they see their sexual relationship. This leads on to whether it’s good, ok, poor or non-existent.  I then ask, how do you initiate sex, how do you ask for sex?  For some couples this can be a bit embarrassing as they’ve never really thought about it, others are open and direct, while some make a joke about it, which is all ok until it’s actually the real situation when you start to think about how you really ask your partner for sex.

How do you ask your partner for sex?

Asking your partner for sex is a tricky question: how do you ask for sex? Sometimes it’s easy to ask for sex, as you’re always the one who initiates it, right? Whether you use verbal or non-verbal cues to ask for sex, how does your partner know what you mean? But what if you don’t initiate the question? How would you ask your partner for sex?

I’ve noticed from talking to numerous couples that within the verbal and non-verbal cues there are a couple of sub-categories.  

So let’s have a look at them in more detail and see if you recognise yourself here or recognise one that you would use. 

The Verbal Cues

Verbal cues are usually quite straight-forward, you are talking about asking for sex. But how do you do this?  There’s the direct approach and the indirect approach.

1 – The Direct Approach

The direct approach is “do you fancy a shag?” or “how about it?” or even more direct, “do you fancy a fuck?”.  This approach can work, and you could get a favourable response, but with this approach, it’s all down to timing and context. If your partner is tired or just sorting out the children, then it might not be the best approach to ask. The other thing with this approach is it could be too shocking and too blunt for your partner.  They might be embarrassed by what you’ve just said as sex can be a very private liaison where no one should know you have sex. Or they might just think WTF are you on!  But this might work in your favour though, especially if you both fancy a bit of risk in your sex life. But be careful with this approach. You never know who is listening. But that might be part of the excitement for you.

2 – The Indirect Approach

The indirect approach is the more subtle approach. A gentler, more quiet way of asking.  It’s a bit of a nudge-nudge, wink-wink, know what I mean… With this approach, I’ve known many couples say, “shall we go to bed?”, “do you fancy a bit?”, “how about a cuddle?”, “shall we have an early night?”.  These approaches can be confusing, as you or your partner might mean just that and you weren’t talking about sex.  So how do you know whether this approach is taken the right way, meaning you’d like to have sex with them? These subtle cues can easily be misinterpreted, especially as your relationship starts to progress beyond a year when sex in the early days of your relationship was the top agenda item.  The easiest way to know your partner has understood you and are “up for it” is to test the water by touching them sensually or kissing them gently on the neck or mouth.  If they respond favourably, then you know you’re onto a winner.  

But what if these verbal approaches don’t work? What if your advances are spurned? You could be left feeling deflated, rejected or even left hanging there wondering what you should do next, especially if you’ve worked yourself up. If this happens, firstly try not to get upset.  Your verbal approach didn’t work this time, so you might want to be a bit clearer about what you mean when asking for sex.  Again, everything has to be in context and how your partner is feeling.  You need to check this out first of all and consider what’s going on for them.  But don’t give up that easily as your partner, unless they are completely off sex, might need to have a bit more foreplay or flirting to get them responding to your amorous advances. So you might need to combine your verbal approach with a few non-verbal cues.

Non-verbal cues

There are a couple of non-verbal approaches you might be using already.  There’s the tactile approach, and there’s the behavioural approach.

3 – The Tactile Approach

The tactile approach can be partly foreplay as well as to emotionally engage your partner. It’s about warming up to having sex, but also knowing that it can be part of your everyday relationship. One couple I knew would go directly for their partner’s crouch or breasts, which sometimes worked but not that often. While this direct approach is saying what you want, it won’t work for everyone, every time.  You might be the subtle type.  You might instead like the tactile connection, such as holding hands while you are out for the day, gently touching your partner’s face with the back of your hand, or kissing them softly on their cheek. You might even caress their hair if that’s something they usually like. While at home, you might continue with touching your partner, maybe getting more intimate, such as gently caressing their thigh or bottom as you come up behind them or as you pass them. This can be just for a split second, or a little bit longer. Just enough to set a spark between you flying, igniting the first flames of sexual desire. 

A cuddle might also start those flames.  Feeling held can create a chemical and emotional connection, bring you both closer together. You might cuddle on the sofa, or while they are standing somewhere so you come up behind your partner and hold them, or even face them with a full frontal cuddle, where you can feel each other physically and emotionally.  While this approach creates a more emotional connection between you and your partner, it doesn’t necessarily lead to sex. A cuddle can just mean that. A touch can just mean you care, which is one of the foundations for a great relationship, but it might not lead to sex this time. So you might want to think about how you’ve been tactile, has it been consistent, long enough, taken the right way.  If you haven’t tried this approach before, your partner might wonder what’s going on.  If this approach is one you’ve always used and it’s starting to wane, think about how you might put some of your sexual feelings into your touch, even your erotic thoughts and erotic feelings rather than it becoming a mechanical approach to reach the end game.  Make being tactile alluring and how you’d like to be touched erotically.

4 – The Behavioural Approach

This approach is the more indirect and can feel staged.  It’s about reward and expectation. Many couples I’ve known take on tasks, such as the male partner doing something that their partner might normally do, such as cleaning the house, vacuuming, putting the children to bed. This then sets an expectation that because you have done x for your partner, the reward for doing such a task is that sex is on the cards. While this might work for some couples with a reciprocal nature to their relationship, this can lead to misunderstanding of the expectation of sex over time, as the goal posts might change and the expectation that these tasks, when completed, might not lead to the “reward”.  

Another expectation is that you are together, married, so sex is an obliged set requirement that is expected to happen when married. This expectation can work for some couples but it can also backfire big time as the balance in the way sex is expected can be one-sided.  There needs to be equality in how sex is achieved. One way this can work is to schedule sex.  While this might seem staged, it’s a way of coming together at a set agreed time.  Now, this might seem bizarre for some couples, but if you are leading busy lives, it can work.  While it might not feel spontaneous, scheduling sex for a specific day, but sometimes spontaneity needs a guide.  Scheduling sex also demonstrates that you are both willing to make your relationship work by carving out some time to be together. Once your time is scheduled, you can then prepare yourself to be with your partner. You have time to set the scene.  Many couples I’ve known really like the idea of scheduling sex.  They buy nice underwear, have a bath beforehand to make themselves feel relaxed and refreshed. Some couples have a shower together and use music (not heavy rock unless that’s something both of you like) and scents to bring the exotic to the bedroom. 

However, a word of caution here if you do schedule sex, don’t expect sex every time.  One of you or both of you might feel tired or not in the mood for sex.  Again, don’t get upset and force the situation, take it gently and still have that time together. Enjoy what you’ve done for your partner, and more importantly what you’ve done for yourself. Making time for each other, even if you don’t have sex, it says that you love and care for your partner. Make the time you have scheduled, private and away from the children (even put a lock on the door, if you can). Go out for the evening, have a meal together, go for a walk together to make that time count as the reward here is that your behaviour suggests you love your partner and want to spend time with them. In these situations, you both then have an opportunity to talk about sex, which in turn could turn you both on!

What happens when these approaches don’t work anymore?

If your preferred approach doesn’t work anymore, then you might not be putting the right amount of sensuality or care into making your partner feel wanted. So it might be time to mix things up a bit.

5 – Mixing it up

Ultimately asking for sex is about making your partner feel wanted. Recent research* has found that the key to sparking the sexual desire in your partner is responsiveness. The research outlined that men and women felt more sexual desire when their partner was more responsive to their nonsexual needs outside of the bedroom. For example, this can be responding to your partner in a way that makes them feel understood, valued and cared for by you. The results from the research indicated that for both men and women, perceiving a partner as responsive (in a positive way) makes them feel special and that their partner was seen to be a valuable mate and therefore sexually desirable.  The research concludes that responsiveness is most likely to instigate desire when it expresses that the partner is worth pursuing and when engaging in sex with such a desirable partner is likely to improve an already valuable relationship. 

I little side note here for you men, in one of the studies in the research, they found that responsiveness for women had a significantly stronger effect on levels of sexual desire than men for their responsive partner as they felt the responsiveness from their partner made them feel special and valued. 

So what does this mean for you when asking for sex?  It means that the non-verbal cues are setting the scene for the verbal cues. If you are demonstrating you understand your partner, care for them and respond to their emotional wellbeing, then when you come to ask for sex openly, the response is more favourable.  For example, act in a way that your behaviour is showing that you care about them, set the scene for your scheduled sex night; work up to it rather than expect it to happen on the day. Ask them throughout the week about what’s going on for them and listen and respond empathically. Touch them sensually, hold them, make them feel wanted and desired by you, pamper them, and yourself. Playfully use the nudge-nudge, wink-wink approach, “do you fancy a cuddle?”. Include a little sparkle in your eyes as well that saying you value and desire them.  If things are getting hot, then ask the direct approach, “I’d love to fuck you now”, put some erotic overtones in there to fuel the fire passionately.

To make life and sex more fun, be playful, caring and erotic with your verbal and non-verbal cues, and ultimately sex is about enjoyment and creating mutual pleasure between you and your partner. So mix things up and enjoy asking for sex with your partner.

*Birnbaum, Gurit E.; Reis, Harry T.; Mizrahi, Moran; Kanat-Maymon, Yaniv; Sass, Omri; Granovski-Milner, Chen (2016) Intimately Connected: The Importance of Partner Responsiveness for Experiencing Sexual Desire, in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Jul 11 , 2016.

Image by Alejandra Quiroz