21 Aug I’m sorry but… No! No excuses, here’s how to apologise
Reading Time: 7 minutesI’m sorry, but…
A married woman in her early thirties recently came to see me for a consultation. She came on her own to decide what to do about her relationship with her partner. She said that following the birth of their two children, her partner hadn’t been very supportive. Nor had he since she had returned to work. One of the things that struck me from our conversation was what she said about his response to apologising. She said he “Wouldn’t say sorry for any of the wrong-doings he had committed”. I asked her whether he had ever said ‘Sorry’. She admitted that when he had said sorry, it was always with a “but…”.
The fact that there was not an apology intrigued me. What was it that made her partner feel unable to apologise sincerely? There might have been many different reasons why he needed to justify what he had done. Some of them could have stemmed from unresolved unconscious internal conflicts in being unable to admit he was wrong in the first place.
However, a typical reaction to apologising is to deflect, defend or justify our behaviour with a “but…”.
Sadly, I have heard this too many times. Men and it’s mostly men, and sometimes women, are unable to apologise for upsetting their partner, or they are unable to say “sorry” without justifying everything with a “but…”.
However, research by Jarrett T. Lewis and his colleagues1 from DePaul University looked into how couples apologise. Their study found that men are less likely to apologise than women. The men in the study had a higher threshold for what they saw as a transgression worthy of apology and were less likely to want an apology from their female partners. The women in the study seemed to judge their situations more harshly, which required an apology than their male partners. One of the conclusions from the research found that women are more likely to offer an apology and are more likely to expect an apology from others than their male partners.
While men and women have different expectations regarding offering an apology, it is also important to acknowledge when to apologise.
Many couples see an apology as a weakness. Some see apologising as giving ammunition to their partner to use against them. Some even feel they can’t sincerely apologise as they feel humiliated by their actions or feel too vulnerable. Some people might feel guilty about what they have done. Others try to ignore what’s taken place altogether.
Apologising isn’t a weakness. Apologising and saying sorry shows great strength and resolve. Making an excuse or justifying the transgression in an apology isn’t apologising. It’s covering your back.
So, how do you genuinely apologise for something? (If you are a man, please read the steps below and learn them thoroughly).
Six steps to saying sorry
Take responsibility for what you are apologising for.
Taking responsibility can be a lot harder than it sounds. However, admitting you are wrong in the first place can go a long way in repairing the damage you might have done to your relationship. The resolve in saying, “Yes, I’m wrong, I did that…” can be overwhelming at first, but it’s like a confession. You’ll feel a lot better once you genuinely admit to what you have done. It can also help you rebuild trust, respect, and goodwill with your partner. Taking responsibility might feel difficult because you might not take responsibility for your actions before. You might feel ashamed or guilty about what you have done. So, deflecting the pain of guilt or shame is a lot easier than acknowledging and taking responsibility for your behaviour. Taking this first step is also part of the healing process for yourself. Don’t deflect your bit in your actions. Acknowledge how you have acted or spoken that has deliberately or unintentionally caused your partner emotional, mental or physical harm or pain.
Be specific about why you are sorry.
You can’t just say, “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean it”, and gloss over it. You need to be specific and name the offence. If you’re not precise, then why are you apologising, and what is it you need to apologise for? Being precise identifies what you have done so both you and your partner know what you are discussing. Being specific helps cement the apology and acknowledges your part in violating what you have together. Being specific in the apology re-establishes a common moral ground in your relationship.
Explain why you committed the offence.
Saying why you did what you did isn’t about making excuses. This is not the “but” moment. This moment is about you and what was going on for you at that time: I was tired, drunk, distracted, irritated by what someone else said, etc. It’s not about “you made me do it”, as this isn’t you taking responsibility for your actions. I have heard many couples say that it was their partner who made them commit the offence. You might have felt they were part of the reason for the transgression that has led you to make the apology, but they didn’t make you do whatever it was you did. So you need to explain your reasons. This is about you explaining yourself. So when explaining your reasons, always use “I” and not “you”. For example, “I am sorry I became angry with you. I was tired and irritated by the long journey home.” Or, it could be an emotional reaction that led you to the offence. “…When we were arguing, I couldn’t cope with what you were saying. It reminded me of when…” If you can think about why you committed the transgression and what it was about, you can re-establish the connection lost between you and your partner. Making that connection can create a greater understanding of yourself as well as allow your partner to understand you better.
Be sincere.
Being sincere with your apology means you have no agenda other than to heal whatever damage occurred to your relationship because of your words or actions. The words in your apology need to be authentic, heartfelt, and honest. Your words shouldn’t be coercive, decisive, deceiving or manipulate your partner’s feelings. Just think about how your words would sound if you were receiving the apology. Be remorseful in your words, and don’t ask for forgiveness. It’s not you who should be seeking forgiveness; it is your partner who should be offering to forgive. If you ask for forgiveness, it is as if you are trying to get out of the apology and aren’t sincere about your apology or your behaviour. Forgiveness is a process and not an event. Apologising is part of the process of forgiveness, where your partner can evaluate their own feelings towards you. By being sincere with your words and actions (seen as the next step), you are starting to build trust back into your relationship.
Be clear in your intent to repair the damage.
Depending on the transgression that leads to the apology and the underlying concerns, your intent and actions to repair the damage need to be considered carefully. Your approach is dependent on whether your partner sees the transgression as a “perceived threat”. Your partner’s status in your relationship may feel threatened by your criticism or demands. They might also feel neglected. In this case, your partner sees you as being disloyal, inattentive or not giving enough time to the relationship. It’s no good trying to give your partner flowers when they feel threatened by what you have put on them. On the other side, your intention to offer flowers would be a gesture to recognise the neglect of your relationship. However, flowers are only one approach. Research by Keith Sanford2 at Baylor University has shown that what couples desire more than an apology are:
- for their partner to show more investment in their relationship
- to dedicate more time to their partner
- to stop the adversarial and confrontational behaviour
- to communicate more with each other and to show affection.
So, when it comes to your intention to repair the damage to your relationship, have a look at some of these as your next steps. However, depending on what you have done, you may also need to relinquish some power by giving your partner more independence, admitting your faults or compromising. Or you can offer something up that is more personal, such as access to your email or social media accounts, or delete contacts, etc., depending on what you have done. But the biggest of these is to follow through with your intention. Don’t just say you’ll do it, as talk can be cheap. You have to follow through with your plan, mean it and take action. If you say you’ll see your friends less, do it. If you say you’ll drink less, do drink less. If you say you’ll pay your partner more attention, do it, plan how and what you will do, and make it mean something to them and you.
Be non-reactive when apologising.
Where an apology can fall apart is when you deliver it. You might have thought about what you are going to say. You’ve read all the above steps and created a plan. But when it comes to offering your apology, your partner doesn’t want to hear from you. They might even interrupt your offer of an apology or won’t let you finish. Be patient. Don’t react. Allow your partner to express their feelings. Resist the temptation to insist that you finish apologising or “correct” or challenge them in any way. They may still be feeling upset about what has happened, especially if your other attempts at apologising in the past haven’t been consistent. Allow your partner to express their feelings without fear of reprisal or defensiveness on your part, as this demonstrates your willingness to hear them and that you’re not just there to talk about your side of things. Acknowledge how they are feeling, even if they disagree with your perspective or memory of events. After they’ve had their say, they will be more than likely open to hearing what you have to say. Be curious about what your partner needs to resolve this situation. Even if they don’t tell you how to fix the situation, be sincere in hearing what they say, as it demonstrates you care about them. So be patient and respect your partner’s feelings.
Apologising can be difficult, but it’s also a lesson in planning for your future. It also takes practice. You might not get it all right in the first place, but keep at it. In the end, it will increase the quality and strength of your relationship, including demonstrating compassion, vulnerability, patience, commitment, and intentionality, to name a few. Apologising is part of the process of enhancing your relationship, where you can restore the love for each other and benevolence in your relationship.
Remember, apologising can make you a better person. It can also earn you respect in the eyes of others. So, if you feel like saying, “Sorry, but…” remember the above steps and become a more respectful, genuine person with integrity who understands how to strengthen their relationship with their partner.
Are these reasons not enough to start apologising?
1 Lewis, J. T., Parra, G. R. and Cohen, R. (2015), Apologies in Close Relationships: A Review of Theory and Research. J Fam Theory Rev, 7: 47–61. doi:10.1111/jftr.12060
2 Sanford, K., & *Wolfe, K. L. (2013). What married couples want from each other during conflicts: An investigation of underlying concerns. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 32, 674-699
Photo by Rémi Walle
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