17 Oct I’ve lost my erection, what should I do?

It happens to every man.

Don’t panic. Losing an erection during sex happens to every man – more than you think. You only really notice you’ve lost your erection when you start to think about it more, and then the worst happens.  You panic!

Panicking makes things worse. The more you panic, the more you become stressed, the more stressed you become, the more likely you will lose your erection again. So, try not to panic.

Not stressing about losing your functioning manhood can be easier said than done.  But losing an erection is usually only temporary. The more you and your partner freak out about it, the worse it can get.

Most men’s reaction to having their flaccid member pointed out by their partner or noticing it themselves usually doesn’t go down well. It’s made worse by focusing on the lack of any obvious erection. So, again, you panic and stress about what your partner might be thinking and how they will react if you don’t get aroused and have a rigid erection.

So what can you do?

The first step is to reduce your anxiety.  Again, this might sound easier said than done. Most therapists say try to relax. Relaxing when you have lost your erection might be the last thing on your mind. You will probably be focusing more on performing sexually, overthinking about what to do and worried you are letting yourself and your partner down.

As I don’t know your whole situation, I will try to generalise and normalise some of what you might be going through. But you might be the exception, so please bear with me as what I’m about to say can still help you.

When patients talk to me about their lack of an erection, they might have experienced this for a few weeks or even several years. For some men, it might be for the duration of their adult life. So, when it comes to reducing any anxiety, stress and pressure you or your partner are experiencing, you might need to address a variety of distractions and worries before you feel relaxed.

Feeling relaxed can help because you aren’t in a state of “fight, flight or freeze” ¹. If you fear something, whatever it is, all the blood and oxygen that should be going to your penis is going elsewhere. And that’s not good for erections or becoming aroused and feeling comfortably intimate with your partner.

So it would be best if you ciuld create a calm, comfortable feeling of being intimate without thinking about performance.

Becoming intimate and feeling calm

There are several ways to help reduce stress and anxiety: yoga, meditation, breathing, or a combination of all three. However, you might be thinking, how is this going to help me?

It’s simple. These are the approaches that will help you have great sex.

Think about it. Before you lost your erection, how was sex? Did you enjoy it, did time pass quickly, did you feel close to your partner, were you able to focus on your sensations without worrying about your partner? If you did, great. You are practising a variety of techniques to help you concentrate on yourself.  You are relaxing, getting the oxygen you need and finding pleasure in the moment. If you haven’t experienced this, then let’s try to bring you there.

Step One

This approach has been adapted from a short exercise suggested by sex and relationship Stephen Snyder ². The exercise combines all of the elements, such as breathing and meditation, used in yoga.

Follow these simple stages:

1. 1. Lay in bed with your partner, naked if you wish, or somewhere you both feel comfortable.
   2. Take a deep breath and notice your breathing. Breathe in and fill your diaphragm, then expand your chest. Hold on to your breath for a few seconds, and let out your breath slowly. Focus on your breathing in this way for a few minutes.
   3. Notice the weight of your body on the bed. Feel the mattress lifting you and your body pushing you down into the mattress. Sense the bed’s temperature and how your body might be warming it up.
   4. Take another deep breath. Inhale the scent of your partner’s body. Really inhale and smell them.
   5. Sense the stillness around you. Take another deep breath.
   6. If you have distracting thoughts, as these thoughts start to come in, just let them drift. To help them go, say what’s on your mind as a statement. You don’t need to solve what’s bothering you and get into a discussion. It’s to allow you both to help clear your mind.
   7. Once all thoughts go, and you are feeling comfortable and still, you can go to step two.

Step two

Step one is about setting the foundations for relaxation. Step two is about getting intimate and sensual. It’s about relaxing and focusing on sensuality, not your erection.

If you would like to go to step two, and if you feel ready:

1. 1. Start to think about touching your partner. How does this feel? If you still feel anxious, go back to step one.
   2. If you want to touch your partner, ask them first, “Can I touch you?” There is no pressure for them to say yes, but if they do say yes, focus on the sensations in your fingers or their skin.
   3. Whoever is touching, focus on what you are enjoying: the tactile sensations, warmth, smoothness, and roughness of the skin. Don’t worry about your partner.  If you are focusing on what you find interesting, they will feel your sensuality.
   4. Touching your partner does not mean it should lead to sex. Sex is not the aim of Step Two. The objective is to feel the stillness within your body and your thoughts and see what difference being touched makes when you are still within your body and mind.
   5. Remember, there is no rush to get to Step Two. Focus on the warmth of your body, the air you are breathing, the smells you are inhaling, the scent at that moment.

The two-step approach is to help you relax and enjoy the sensations of touch. The more you relax, the more likely you will feel aroused. But don’t worry about getting an erection. Just enjoy it happening if it does. It doesn’t mean you have to use your erection if you get one.  Give yourself a chance to enjoy the feeling. After a few goes of the two-step, and you feel very aroused without any doubts, fears, or anxieties, gently try using your penis to have the sexual experience you and your partner once enjoyed.

If your thoughts about failing, etc., still happen during the two-step, try writing your thoughts down. It can help explain more about how you might be feeling and allow you to “see” your thoughts outside of your head so you can start to either leave them on the paper or talk about them with your partner.

If your anxieties don’t fade and you are still worried after these exercises, speak to a psychosexual therapist. However, I hope you don’t need to get that far. If you do need to talk to someone, you will be taking the first step to understanding yourself and your sexual experiences and on the road to a better sex life.

Photo by Kaleb Tapp on Unsplash

1. Harvard Health: Understanding the stress response https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response. Accessed 10 October 2021
2. Synder, Stephen (2019) Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. Macmillan USA