28 Aug Leaving yourself behind or being yourself with your partner

Are you the same person as you were when you fell in love?

One of the questions that seem to get couples thinking about who they are in their relationship is:

“When you first met, what attracted you to your partner?”

A lot of couples feel that the person they see in front of them now is a different person from when they first met them.  It’s understandable after a while in a relationship, people change.  We can “lose ourselves” in our relationship, as a couple, we can even conflate in our relationship.  Our once individual identities, our characteristics that once made us unique, disappear and we can merge into one, be emotionally fused together.

So the question is, are we still the same people we were when we fell in love with our partner?  The answer is usually yes and no.  We change over time, and we can become different people.  Our views and outlook change.  We compromise more.  But we are still the same person inside. It’s just that being together in a long-term relationship we can lose who we once were, how we thought differently to our partner, how we felt differently about ourselves, how we behaved, what we believed, it all can change.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.

What’s different about you now?

Can you think of what’s different about who you were before you met your partner?  Were you happy that way?  If not, what’s better about who you are now?  If you feel you’ve lost some of who you are, what was good about what you’ve lost?  Would you like to reclaim it? Would your partner like you as much if you recovered what you’ve missed in yourself?

That’s the big question, would your partner want you to be who you once were?  In fact, does it matter? This is up to you and your partner.  Having that difference, however subtle, may have been the one thing that more than likely attracted your partner to you and you to your partner.

But it doesn’t mean giving up on yourself once you are together. It also shouldn’t mean you should stop taking care of yourself either.  This is what usually happens in long-term relationships, we give up taking care of ourselves and lose the integrity of who we once were.

The other side of the story is that we might not have changed.  We are still living out the life we used to lead as a single person.  This too can have its shortfalls. We conduct our lives as if we are still single while in an intimate relationship. This might work for some, but not all.  There has to be a respectful compromise on what your relationship should be like with your partner.  Is living this life a sustainable way for your relationship?  If not, then you might have to re-evaluate what you would like to hold onto, without compromising your relationship, and what you can let go that will create an all-embracing bond with your partner.

Getting the balance

The challenge is having a bit of both: freedom to be yourself as well as having the togetherness as one. Having your own identify, who you want to be, being independent of your partner, while having a loving, intimate relationship that you can depend on, that you can rely on your partner to be there for you, that you both can support each other.

Being independent as well as dependant on each other does help.  Couples sometimes fear “allowing” their partner their independence in their relationship.  However, independence doesn’t mean going off and doing your own thing without talking through with your partner what you are going to do. It’s probably not going off with your friends every other night and being footloose and fancy-free unless that’s what you’ve both agreed and you are both happy with this approach.

Being individual and being together is about being independent and dependant together at the same time as well as being separate individuals.  You can interdependent by being individual and dependant on each other at the same time. It’s not having one or the other.  It’s about having both. Both being unique as individuals and recognising is saying you are independent of your partner, as well as being dependant on each other, emotionally, physically, while being together.  This approach creates more emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship and more freedom to be the individual you have always been.

So how you do you this?

If you are in a long-term relationship, this might not be as easy as it sounds. But to improve your relationship beyond where you are at the moment, to make it exceptional, you might want to try these few steps first.

1. Think about what you miss about being yourself in the past that was important to you.  What would you like to keep and develop to create your own individuality now?  What was/is unique about how you, not only made your partner fall in love with you but also what you loved about yourself?
2. Creating a difference is OK.  Whether you feel your partner is right about what they see in you or you think they are wrong about how you act/behave, does it compromise who you are?  If your partner changed to who they wanted to be more like, what would you say?  There is no right or wrong way you should be about your own individuality unless it’s harming your partner.  So embrace the differences in yourself and the differences in your partner.
3. See the differences in your partner. How do they feel?  While similarities are comfortable, sometimes the difference can expand our outlook on who we are and what’s outside in the broader world. Within your partner, find out more about what those differences are.  Explain what those difference are within you to your partner.  Explain why you have chosen to be the unique individual you are and how it makes you feel.
   When sexual intimate, explore those differences further.  What do you like that you used to enjoy sexually?  What would you want to do more of sexually that creates more of your individuality?
4. Don’t be afraid to depend on your partner, or let them rely on you.  Show them the caring side of your individuality.  When you first met, what did you do that showed you depended on them? How did you show them you cared about them? How did you explain you cared about yourself?  Remind yourself and your partner, you need them as well, as this is part of being in a relationship as well as showing your individuality.
5. Enjoy your differences as individuals. Celebrate those differences and be proud that you have found someone who cares about you as well being themselves.  Talk about these differences and how they make you both feel.

Once you’ve thought about these differences and similarities, talk them through with your partner.  You don’t have to change who you are all at once; it can be a gradual process of re-discovering yourself and your partner.  Be gentle and caring.

Whatever you decide to do, just enjoy being the unique individuals you are by knowing you have created a relationship together and are now on a different individual approach to having a fantastic relationship that’s right for both of you.

Photo by Nathan Walker