02 Oct Making time for rest

Do you feel you and your partner don’t get enough rest?

In the busy, chaotic world we live in, it might seem we don’t get enough time to rest.  In a recent survey on rest, conducted by the research group Hubbub in collaboration with the BBC Radio 4, found that one-third of respondents felt they didn’t get enough rest, while only 10% thought they needed less rest, two-thirds of survey respondents said they would like more rest.

Over 18,000 people took part in the Rest Test from 134 countries.

What they were trying to found out was did rest mean different things to different people and whether there was a link between rest and well-being.

What was most interesting from the survey results was that for the majority of the 10 top restful activities were conducted alone.  However, being alone is entirely different from enforced loneliness.

So what are these 10 top restful activities that people found most useful:

1. Reading
2. Being in the natural environment
3. Being on your own
4. Listening to music
5. Doing nothing in particular
6. Walking
7. Daydreaming
8. Having a shower or bath
9. Watching TV
10. Meditating or practising mindfulness

The majority of these are quiet, restful activities with only one of these involving some form of exercise. However, 16% of people said they find exercise relaxing as they needed to tire out their body with vigorous exercise before their mind could rest, while 8% of people saw running restful.

Other activities that didn’t make the top 10 were: being with animals, seeing friends and family, drinking tea or coffee, doing creative arts, and finally with just over 20% of people saying gardening was restful.

One of the interesting findings that came from the survey was how rest is perceived. Almost 9% of people chose the words “guilty” or even “stress-inducing” as words associated with rest.

“We really need to challenge the assumption that if you take more rest, you are more lazy”, said Prof Felicity Callard of Durham University, director of Hubbub.  “The fact that people who are more rested seem to have better well-being is an endorsement for the need for the rest.”

So while some people might find resting stressful, rest is healthy for your well-being. But too much rest can have the opposite effect. People with the highest well-being scores relaxed on average between five and six hours the previous day. If they were rested more, then their well-being dipped.  However, those respondents who felt they did not need more rest, had well-being scores twice as high as those who felt they needed more rest. So it seems that the perception of rest does matter as well as the reality.

Another perception outlined from the results about rest was how busyness seems to be seen in society as a positive social standing – at home and work.  Here the idea of being busy with work and taking rest can become blurred, especially with their work and technology invading home life and rest time.

Also in the survey, people were asked to what extent do they believe rest is the opposite of work. Those who had high incomes found that rest was the opposite to work.  However, those who were self-employed or were volunteering were less likely to think this way.

How does rest affect your relationship?

While there are many different findings from this survey, I wondered how rest was perceived in an intimate relationship.

I know from the people who come to see me about their relationship concerns can see each other’s restful activities differently to how they perceive needing to be on their own or sitting watching the TV.  It can be a challenge when one partner is feeling the need to rest, and the other sees them as lazy.

When there are many activities to be completed such as the washing, cleaning, decorating, childcare, gardening, house repairs, etc., they can all seem overwhelming, especially if they are on your mind and you know you also need some rest.  At times it might look like a double-edged sword, where you know you need to complete these activities but feel you can’t do them without some rest, or you are doing all the chores, and you know you need some rest to complete them well.

One interesting finding from the survey was that men were more likely to say they get less rest than the average person. However, the men reported getting 10 minutes more rest than women, on average, the day before taking the survey.

So men, when it comes to saying you need more rest, you actually might be getting more than your female partner!

Getting the balance right

There is a balance between work, home life and rest.  I know that many couples argue about the need to complete all the house activities before they can rest. For some couples, this becomes more prominent when one partner is trying to relax and the other is still working. Doing all the household jobs can cause resentment, jealousy, anger and stress in one or both partners.  However, it’s getting that balance right as a couple.  Sharing the activities and allowing each other the time to rest is paramount for a healthy relationship, as is acknowledging that each of you needs to rest in different ways.

From the survey, it’s clear that being alone is one of the keys to rest.  However, this can be difficult, especially with all the relationship advice saying you should find the time to be together.  Again, there’s a balance.  It’s seeing what’s right for both of you.

In the survey, they found that women find being on their own or watching TV more restful than men. While listening to music was more of a quiet activity for men and younger people than women or older people.

Some of these restful activities need solitude to gain the benefits of rest, which means being without your partner.  To some couples, this might benefit their relationship while some partners might find this stressful.

Finding out what’s restful for you and your partner

It’s finding what’s right for you and then letting your partner know why you need to be alone to rest.  It’s also talking to your partner about how you relax.  It doesn’t mean you love them less; it’s just your way of being able to cope with life.

As Callard points out, it’s all about finding out what is restful for that particular person.  Being inquisitive about what meaningful rest is for you and what’s restful for your partner is essential, as both of you might have completely different views about what rest means to you.

However, there are some restful activities you can do together, such as:

It’s finding what’s right for you both and talking to your partner about what you are doing – resting – so you both can feel better about yourselves and live a meaningful life together.

Photo by Ilham Rahmansyah