02 Dec Men and their feelings: 8 tips to get talking about your feelings
Reading Time: 6 minutesWhat’s the problem with men and their feelings?
I’ve lost count of how many times women ask me this question. It’s an age-old problem: men just don’t like to talk about their feelings. As a relationship therapist, I’ve heard many stories about why men don’t talk about what’s bothering them. When couples come along for counselling, many women come to “make” their men talk more about what’s going on for them as they feel they aren’t getting anywhere with them at home. On the other hand, the men seem as if they’ve been dragged along, being pushed into the counselling room by their spouses and waiting for the counsellor to prise open the door to their “feelings”. I hear many women say, “I came here to see if you can talk some sense into him, as he keeps sweeping his problems under the carpet and not talking about the issues. Or, “It’s always been this way; he just won’t talk about what’s bothering him, and it’s just getting worse; I can’t stand it anymore!”. Or even, “this is his last chance to talk about the ‘problem,’ if he doesn’t, that’s it…”. As they are talking, the men just sit there with their mouths half open waiting to be, “told off”.
It can be difficult for men and some women to talk about a problem affecting them emotionally. While I was growing up, I was always open about my feelings, which was alien to most of my peers and other men I met. Many of my friends would have massive problems in their lives, which affected them and their girlfriends. They wouldn’t bother talking about what was going on for them, and I could see them getting more depressed as they “held” in their feelings. They would then go “off the rails” to forget about what’s going on for them. I would try to talk to them about their problems, and eventually, they open up.
Working through my own difficulties was one reason I became a couples counsellor in the first place. Most of the men in my family wouldn’t talk about their problems and would hide them away. Burying the problem is an issue for many men. Talking can be a real turn-off. Talking about personal issues and feelings associated with their difficulty to anyone, especially their spouse, is one of the reasons men dig in their heels. When men come to see a couples therapist, it’s understood that this is the place where you should open up to your feelings and talk about them endlessly until the problem is solved.
Well, it doesn’t have to be that way. It can be difficult for some men to talk to about their feelings. But it does not have to be the case, as most men can speak to their sister or mother about their concerns. However, this can cause its own problems: “Why can’t you talk to me about your problems? You’re always talking to your mother about them!”
So, really, men can be on a losing streak when it comes to talking, especially if it’s with another woman other than their partner. However, there is good news and hope for men and their frustrated partners. Men can talk about their emotional problems and feelings more readily in therapy, where it’s a safe place to open up. The bad news is that it takes time. Time, however, is one thing that many women don’t give men, and the women are normally at the end of their tether.
What is the problem with men talking about their emotional problems?
Part of the problem with men talking about their emotional problems and feelings is that it’s hard. It isn’t easy because, as men:
- we’ve never talked about our feelings before
- we can’t find the right words to talk about how we feel
- our feelings reveal our vulnerabilities, and this makes us insecure and frustrated
- it’s not very “masculine” to talk about our feelings
- we might feel we are going to have it thrown back in our face and not taken seriously
- we feel it’s going to be used against us later on in an argument
- we feel the shame of having to admit we have feelings or are unable to cope and solve our problems by ourselves
Well, the list can go on. But these are society’s and our peers’ excuses not to talk about our feelings. And it doesn’t solve what we feel deep down inside. We “bottle up” our emotions, and the feeling in the pit of our stomach rises when the problem comes into focus, or someone asks us what’s wrong.
Eight tips to get talking about your feelings
What can men do to overcome “hiding” from their feelings? Here are eight tips that should help:
- The first step is to admit to ourselves that there is a problem. If we don’t realise there is a problem, we can’t do anything about it (for some men, this is another excuse not to talk).
- We need to see that the problem can be solved without a simple “manly” solution. We need to see how we feel about the problem, not how our partner or spouse feels about it.
- Write down what the problem is, and then put some words to how you feel about it. You don’t need to share any of this with anyone at the moment. Just outline how you feel about the problem, such as “This problem makes me feel frightened about how we might end up.” Be specific about what the problem is and how you feel about it.
- Then, think about how you would feel telling someone about how you feel about the problem. If this brings up other emotions, list those, too, as this will help your partner understand why you are finding it hard to talk about it. “Each time I think about this problem, it reminds me of when I told someone else about the problem, and they started shouting at me, so I refused to talk about how I felt to anyone else…”
- Next, think about how you would like the other person to respond to your feelings about the problem. Responding to your emotions can be more comfortable than it sounds. It’s all about how you would like them to react once you’ve opened up about how you feel about the problem. “This is really difficult for me to talk about. I want your help in hearing me out by not interpreting me while I try to talk about how I feel about this problem. I might stop talking, but this is to give me time to sort out what I’m going to say. I’ll let you know how I feel about the problem when I’ve come to the end. We can then talk about how we might be able to deal with the problem together.”
- When talking about how you feel, don’t blame your partner. Accusing them will undoubtedly upset them and hurt their feelings. Try to keep to how you feel about the problem. If you think the problem is with them, then talk about what they do or have done that you think has caused you to feel. Remember, don’t avoid your part in the problem. Please make sure you accept that you will also have something to do with it. Please don’t blame your partner for being themselves. Keep personal attacks out of the conversation. You might want to say, “What upsets me most is how you talk to me. It’s as if I’m the problem. I know that I don’t talk about how I feel very often, and it’s causing us problems, but I feel even more distant from you when you use words like ‘never’ and ‘always’ when you talk to me.”
- You need to be able to say “sorry”. Apologising is very important. While you are trying to talk about your inner feelings, you need to accept your part in the problem. If you know the problem is with you, you need to acknowledge that and apologise for whatever it is your partner, or you feel the problem is all about. If you say “sorry”, mean it. Don’t have a ‘but’ at the end of it. Accept your part. “I know it hasn’t been easy over the past few months, and I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. The reason I haven’t been able to talk about it is…” and “I am sorry this has got out of hand. I feel…”
- Once you have talked about your feelings, ask your partner what they heard and how they feel about understanding what you said.
Remember, you have to start somewhere, so talk about how you feel about the problem. If you can’t manage all eight tips, try at least two of them and then return to the rest and see what else you can do. We all have to start somewhere to help ourselves. Try some of these tips today and see what happens when you share your feelings.
Photo by Todd Quackenbush
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