30 Oct Noticing the detail: paying attention in your relationship

Noticing the moment

Have you ever stopped, noticed and wondered about the small details of your relationship? Or even the very minute tiny details about your partner? I mean, the minor detail that could go unnoticed if you didn’t look and pay attention to what was going on?

If not, take a deep breath and watch your partner for just one minute. One whole minute, that’s all. Stop and watch what they are doing. Look at the movement of their body. Look out for their breathing. See the slight shimmer of motion in their clothes, the flow of their hair. Their eyes slowly blink—the fragility of their eyelids, the beauty of their skin.

Take a mental picture of that exact moment, as that very moment will be gone in the next second.

What did you see? What were they like in just that moment? Did you notice anything different about them? Did you see the familiar every day in them, or did you see something new and unique?

Many couples don’t often spend even a minute noticing how their partner looks; I mean really slowing down to see what they look like up close.  We can find ourselves speeding along in life, only seeing what we want to look at and how our partner makes us feel from past events and past experiences. We can often forget that sometimes they are human and breathe like us, that they respond in the same way we do. We sometimes only see the annoying things they do that stick like emotional glue, attaching negative images and feelings that can spread like darkness through our bodies.

If only we noticed the lighter, sparkling moments within them, even if it’s just a moment in time. Just once in a while, if we only remembered how that moment felt, we could record the whole scene for posterity.

So why should you do this?

When we first meet our partner, we become curious about them.  We wonder what they are like as a person, we wonder what they might be like naked, and we wonder what it would be like to be held by them.  We start to look for the emotional connections, the warm bonds we feel when we are held emotionally and physically.  As the months or years pass, we can forget those moments.  They can fade into the past.  As life and our careers take over, we become distracted by the small details we used to notice.  We focus our attention on social media, our children’s activities, our work, and our house. These can be useful distractions, but they can take us away from noticing our partner.

Sam and Michelle* had the same problem.  Sam got sucked into his work, and Michelle focused on their children.  They started to drift into looking after their work or children and didn’t notice each other anymore. Then, one day, Sam saw Michelle wasn’t there emotionally for him, and Michelle found it hard to see what was going on for Sam.  Both didn’t talk to each other about how they felt.  They didn’t notice how they were not connecting.  They didn’t see each other anymore.  When they realised the other wasn’t there for them, their relationship started to fall apart.  They had forgotten to pay attention to each other.

For Sam and Michelle, it wasn’t that they minded each other being pulled away to attend to their work or children.  They were supportive of each other when it came to each other’s responsibilities.  Sam was a good father and would engage with the children, but he also felt left out by Michelle not sharing the special moments with their children.  Sam also didn’t share his moments at work, so Michelle thought Sam didn’t want her to be included in his work.  When they noticed that they each wanted to do more for each other, Sam and Michelle started to pay more attention to what they could do to support each other’s needs.  They realised that work and the children were just the tip of the iceberg.  They also ignored their emotional and physical needs.  They had forgotten the small details. They had missed each other’s touch and how it felt. They yearned for the brushing of each other’s skin with the tips of their fingers and the smoothness of the back of their hands. They missed the way they held their children, the way they held each other.  They hadn’t noticed the small details that they desired in each other.

What can you do to notice your partner?

The long view

Esther Perel, in her book Mating in Captivity, looks at how distance can bring a couple together.  When she talks about distance, she explores how it feels seeing your partner across a room, how you would feel the connection if they were on a stage giving a talk, how you would desire your partner across a dance floor, or even noticing your partner when they are doing something they love.  She says that creating space creates desire. It’s about seeing your partner from a different perspective.  How might you desire them more when they are at a distance? What is it like when they come back from being away for a few days? What have you missed about them? What do you notice about them that you haven’t seen before?

Have a look at your partner as they walk towards you from a distance. See them as if they are a stranger walking towards you. What are they wearing? How do they walk? How is their hair flowing in the wind? What do you notice about them that you desire? What is unique and novel about them?  Notice the detail and how it makes you feel.

The mid view

Watch your partner in the room. Watch them in their element. Watch them doing what they enjoy, what gets them passionate. What do you notice that you can cherish?  How does it make you feel when you see them passionately doing what your partner loves?  What do you notice about them being in their element? What are the small details that you notice you haven’t seen before?

What do you notice when they are with your children? What do you see when they are preparing dinner? What do you notice about them when they are sitting across the table to you?  What are those passionate sparking moments that you can pick out in that present moment?

The close view

Focus on the details when they sit next to you.  When they are lying in bed facing you, what do you notice about their face, their eyes, their eyelids, their eyelashes?  Feel the connection with them, feel the air moving as they breathe.  See their hair touching their face. Notice the tiny hairs on their arms and cheekbones? Connect with how it feels watching and being with them. Touch their arms. Feel their warmth.  Feel the firmness of their skin.  How does it make you feel?

It only takes a moment to notice

Engage in the pleasure of seeing the details. You might need some practice, but after a while, you will notice how you can connect with your partner.  You can connect with them emotionally by just looking at them for a moment.  By being in the moment with them, you will start to see them differently. So be present today and feel the connection building with them.  Spend just one minute looking at the minute tiny details. Feel the positive feelings whelming up inside you. It only takes one minute to notice your partner and change how you see them and how you feel about them. Cherish those tiny sparking moments, as they can change the way you see and think about your partner.

*Not their real names.

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash