23 Oct Opening up your private life

How hard is it to open up your life?

I’ll let you into a little secret of mine. Each Sunday breakfast, I have a little ritual of having coffee, some French bread and jam and reading an interior design magazine. It’s might little private treat. The joy is seeing other people design their homes and for me to gain inspiration from how they furnish and live in their private living spaces.

In this November’s issue of Elle Decoration, the Editor-in-Chief, Michelle Ogundehin, talks about the differences between her public persona and her private life. Well, it wasn’t about her private life; it was more about the privacy she seeks and keeps from others and the intrusion into her world when it came to renovating her home. For Ms Ogundehin, when it comes to allowing other people to view her home or talking about herself, she says she needs to “draw a line”. In fact, to her mind, “one’s personal life, children, family and friends are the concern only of those involved”. Her home and private life are her sanctuary and are not intended for public viewing. But for Ms Ogundehin, when the builders and designers came in to decorate her bathroom and bedrooms, her private space “upstairs”, she felt a “profound sense of awkwardness and unease”. With Ms Ogundehin writing about her experience of the intrusion into her private life, it reminded me of the sense of uneasiness and awkwardness in each new patient I see. The anxiety of having to open up their personal lives to a stranger so that the stranger can view and comment on their private story. This approach isn’t an easy option for many people to make. For some, opening up their private lives comes quite naturally, especially in the age of Facebook and Twitter marking their every movement. But this is a personal choice, and for many of us, keeping our private lives, our unique worlds, is a very intimate experience.

Opening up to someone can be the hardest and the easiest thing to do

Having to open up and talk about our personal life to someone is one of the hardest, as well as one of the easiest things to do. It is hard because we really can, at times, find it difficult to talk about the things that we have been putting off talking about, even to our intimate partner. It’s hard because we don’t want to talk about them. We just want the “problem” sorted out quickly — the easier, the better. It’s hard because we have a public persona as individuals, and as a couple in a relationship. I often hear couples say, “everyone thinks we are the ‘perfect’ couple”, when in fact, for many months or even years, they have been struggling to keep it all together for their family, friends and themselves. It is hard because you need to trust someone. Trust and security are what make us keep our personal life private; if the trust in a relationship is gone, then it’s not easy to put your trust in someone else to help sort out your concerns.

So how come it’s easier to talk to a stranger?

It’s easier to talk to someone else you don’t know because that stranger is normally someone who is an experienced counsellor or therapist with experience of hearing couples or individuals talk about their private lives. It’s easier because it’s confidential, no one else will know, and it’s not going to be for public viewing and talked about anywhere without your consent. It’s easier because you are telling your story to someone who will listen and not judge you and help you through your difficulties. It’s easier because it’s a space that feels safe (many of my patients have said this to me) and someone you can trust.

So why do so many people still find it difficult to talk about their problems to someone, even to a therapist? It goes back to opening yourself up to a small public space. Our privacy is personal and too personal for others to have a sneaky peek into our private worlds. The shame people feel in having to talk to someone outside of their family, or their partner can become a strain. I often hear men say to their partners, “we can sort this out ourselves”, but this usually is only a short-term solution, as the problems can be patterns that can reoccur, which really makes the concerns harder to break.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Do you have to talk to someone outside your private world? This is more about someone who can trust to come into your secret world, your sanctuary and help you tidy them up without anyone else ever knowing that someone has been there. It’s a private, safe space where you can sort through the “clutter” so you can rearrange your private stories to give you clarity in a way that suits you and your partner better. It doesn’t have to be the same old story, it can be a new one, and the space you have together can be “redecorated” without everyone traipsing through your personal rooms to make it look different.

So when you have your breakfast on Sunday morning, think about how you can improve your personal life. If you are struggling to find inspiration to redesign your own story, think about opening up a little to a therapist, they can make a difference.