15 Jul Plan to dream

Time’s slipping away

Harvey and Gail were struggling to make their dreams happen. It was not just the dreams that weren’t happening; it was the gradual steps to achieve their goals, the everyday plans to make their life together happy. It was the small details of their life together that were becoming lost. In fact, they didn’t even know what each other was doing during the week. Their lives just floated along with no direction. Before they knew it, they had been together for six years and hadn’t achieved what they had dreamt about when they first met.

They had managed to have a couple of holidays and decided they should get engaged because that was the thing to do.  They had been together for six years, for heaven’s sake, which is what their friends and family kept telling them.  Now they were wondering why they were so unhappy. How come time had slipped by so quickly? It felt as if they hadn’t achieved anything constructive together. Life was slipping through their hands like sand.

Harvey and Gail were frustrated by their lack of motivation and commitment to what they really wanted as a couple, as well as what they wanted individually. They then realised they didn’t know what each other wanted. They started to resent that they hadn’t made any decisions to make their life together more enjoyable, more fun. They seemed lost as to what to do.

Schedule, don’t drift

What Harvey and Gail found was they had not planned anything.  They drifted. They thought they were free spirits and spontaneous, but they just kept on doing the same old thing.  They had got in a rut and hadn’t looked around to see all the possibilities that were floating on by, just out of their reach.

Like many couples, Harvey and Gail’s problem was the lack of any control. Being free and having a spontaneous connection is enjoyable, but it can lack clarity.  If you don’t have direction, you drift like a rubber dingy in the sea.  Then if you’re not careful, a small gust of wind can take you off course.  You might suddenly find yourself in the middle of the ocean, or worse, in dangerous waters buffeted by other passing ships.

Harvey and Gail needed to take control of their lives.  They needed to plan to make their dreams happen; they needed to find out whether their dreams were the same or even wanted to be free spirits and spontaneous anymore. They realised it was time to stop drifting. They’d had enough of not getting anywhere.

It might sound ridiculous that couples don’t plan to achieve their dreams.  But think about this for yourself. Have you really planned for your dreams?  Have you started to meet your aspirations together, even from the start of your relationship? So why should it be so absurd to think you need to make time to map out your relationship together, so you can both fulfil your dreams?  In life, you might prepare for your week at work and, hopefully, for your future. So why wouldn’t you schedule in time for more involvement with your partner and design something you both fancy rather than drift?

When engaging with your dreams, it’s not thinking about and implementing the big things such as getting engaged, married or holidays, as they will come along if you have the will to make them happen.  No, it’s the small everyday things that get missed, such as spending time together, going for a coffee, meeting for lunch, having time for sex. Yes, making time for sex, especially if you have a business schedule, is paramount.  Like scheduling anything, if it’s not in the diary, it can drift. While you might think you have a routine, or even be spontaneous, particularly when it comes to sex (you go to bed, and wham, sex!), the unexpected, unplanned will often transpire, and then nothing happens. So those intimate moments you tacitly thought would happen, such as sex, disappear as you hadn’t planned the time to be together.

Thinking about the consequences

If your dreams or goals don’t happen, we often forget about the emotional repercussions: disappointment, rejection, loneliness, sadness, fear of losing your partner. These consequences might occur over time, but if they happen too often, the emotional impact can build up, potentially causing disharmony in your relationship.

However, we also often overlook the positive consequences of making things happen! We often forget how implementing our plans, goals, hopes; dreams make us feel, such as feeling loved, adored, hopeful, joyful, cheerful, close, connected.

When making plans, we need to understand the consequences of what will happen if we do/don’t achieve what we have scheduled or intended.  Forgetting about the outcomes is like having your favourite meal and not knowing why you liked it so much. We need to remember the emotional impact, such as how it will make us feel if we actually make these plans happen!

Thinking about the positive side of what this will do to your relationship and each other will help make achieving your dreams a reality. You will want to drive towards the goal rather than having a reason for being pushed to do it.

Take control, map out your goals together

Here are a few ideas you might like to take up and try so that you can take control of your dreams and hopes:

• At the end of the week, sit down together and plan your week.  Most couples like to do this on a Sunday afternoon. Both of you get your diaries and map out what you have organised for the week. This will give you some transparency as to what is really going on in your lives.
• List what’s occurring during your week so you both have an idea of what each other is doing. To help you with your joint schedule, you can download this planner.
• Put in time for making your dreams a reality, such as scheduling time to talk about your aspirations, how you can make them happen and what might the steps be to make these dreams come alive.
• Schedule the best times for sex. Yes, put down when you would like to have sex or even just making time to be intimate.  And no, don’t put in having sex every day.  Be realistic and think about what else is going on during that day for both of you.
• Schedule in time so you can be together, such as meeting up for lunch, spending time away from the TV or your phones so you can be present with each other, or add in something that will make you both feel closer together. Remember, if you don’t add in these smaller items, they could drift away, along with your time together.
• Add in the consequences of making something, anything happen!  What would it feel like if you actually do make time together that you have started shaping your dreams?  If what you have scheduled is really important to you, what would be the impact if you don’t achieve this? Add in what this might feel like if your ideas don’t occur.  Don’t dwell on the negative. Just make each other aware of how it would make you feel if it didn’t happen. Do, however, focus on the positives, as this will help drive your dreams.

If you try this approach over the next month, you will see a significant difference in how your life it together.  Many couples I’ve seen take up this approach have reported feeling more aware of what was going on in each other’s lives, feeling closer and more likely to find time to fulfil their dreams together.

Could you give it a go?  Plan your dreams today.

Photo by Timo Stern on Unsplash