17 Feb Sensual Touch – The Focus

Increasing our sexual experience can take many forms. There are loads of magazine articles published each month telling us how we can have a better sexual encounter, but what about increasing sensuality? What about where our focus is while we are making love?

Our focus can quickly erode by the smallest of distractions. Distractions are everywhere, including in the bedroom, and they certainly don’t help when having sex.  They take away the pleasure of the moment and decrease our interest in our partner and our sensual enjoyment.

When Kate* came to see me about her sex life, she said she wasn’t enjoying sex with her partner anymore. She found her thoughts drifting away to somewhere else while having sex. Kate wasn’t thinking about her pleasure, she was thinking about what she needed to do tomorrow, or about what her partner wanted instead. As time went by, the way Kate felt about sex wasn’t what she had in mind when she got together with her partner. She thought she had lost her sense of pleasure in her body, and all she thought about was keeping her partner happy or focusing on the children and her job.

When I met John*, he had a similar experience to Kate. He was distracted as well and had difficulty focusing on enjoying sex. He kept concentrating on his erection as he was worried about maintaining it during sex. He was afraid that if he lost his erection, his partner would lose interest in him. John’s partner didn’t know about his preoccupation; they knew something was bothering him but didn’t know what it was.

Kate and John are not alone in their worries about sex. Their focus was on trying to please their partner or keeping the performance of sex alive rather than enjoying the pleasurable sensations of sex as it happened.

It’s no wonder Kate and John were not enjoying sex. Their focus was directed away from themselves. John’s mind was outside of his body, observing his erection, hoping he could sustain it long enough to satisfy his partner. Kate’s attention was on fulfilling her partner’s needs as well as on all the other things she had on her extensive to-do list.

Kate and John’s partners were also preoccupied. Their partners were worried that something was wrong. They thought they didn’t fancy them anymore. It was as if Kate and John weren’t in the room with them. Well, they weren’t really. Their focus was on the tasks they had to perform.

What changed everything for them?

If you are experiencing what was happening to Kate and John, there is something you can do to get your sexual satisfaction back.

Kate and John’s focus was less on themselves and more on away from enjoying sex.  They were too focused on other things to notice they had missed out on experiencing any sense of desire. They had neglected the subtlety of being touched sensually.

The key to their change was to notice and become aware of the pleasure they felt when experiencing their partner’s touch.

Try this yourself. As your partner touches you, become aware of how your skin feels. Try to relax by breathing a few times deeply and then let your breathing go back to its natural rhythm.  Start to notice how their fingers and hands flow over your body. Draw your focus back to the enjoyment of being touched; become aware of the lightness of the touch, the shimmering of their hands as they glide over your skin. Focus on what is pleasurable and what part of your body you enjoy most. Close their eyes. Think about how you are feeling, not what you are supposed to be feeling. As you become aware of being touched in the moment, try to forget about everything else and notice your sensual side rising.  If your partner keeps touching the same area, ask them to focus somewhere that has received little attention before. If you are ticklish, ask them to touch you a little firmer or a little lighter in those delicate areas.

As your focus turns towards pleasure and genuine enjoyment, your arousal will increase. As you notice your body becoming physically stimulated, pleasant sensations will increase. If you are touched somewhere you find uncomfortable, gently move your partner’s hand to somewhere more enjoyable, saying it’s more pleasurable around the area you’ve put their hand. As your arousal increases, your partner will notice the spark of excitement rising in you; your partner could use their lips or tongue to create a more erotic sensation. If things are going too fast for you, ask your partner to slow down a little and pleasure somewhere on your body you’ve discovered you enjoy.

Do the same with your partner. When you touch them, notice the sensations in your fingers, feel the smoothness of their skin, seeing the tactile nature of their body. As your sexual desire and arousal increase, try to relax and enjoy yourself. The more you enjoy your experience, the more your partner will know you are relishing the contact, and the more you both feel your sensuality rising, the more you can relax and enjoy the moment without worrying about other things.

If you notice yourself drifting away from the physical sensations and back to thinking about other things, don’t worry. It does take time and a bit of practice to keep focused. Just notice you are thinking about different things, then draw your attention back to your body and the sensual feelings.

Increasing your sexual self-awareness

If all of the above sounds too much or you aren’t connecting to the sensations, you might like to try finding the sensual map of your body by yourself before engaging with your partner.

1. Find a time when you are on your own, preferably in the comfort of your own home.
2. Undress in your bedroom and get comfortable in your bed.  Relax.
3. Get in the mood for touching yourself sensually by thinking of erotic thoughts or sexual fantasies.
4. In whatever way you find pleasurable, touch, stroke and caress yourself. If you are not sure where to start, touch your forehead and caress your face, neck and shoulders, moving your way down your body. The first time you do this, miss out on your breasts and genitals and increase your awareness of pleasurable sensations in the rest of your body, all the way down to your toes.
5. As your arousal increases, touch, stroke, and caress your genitals or breasts, stimulating them to increase sensation, both physical and emotional.
6. Use a lubricant to enhance responsiveness on your genitals. Use a water-based product or plant-based oil. Do not use petroleum products such as Vaseline, highly perfumed or products containing alcohol as they can irritate. A good nature lubricant can be saliva, for women, lubrication from the vagina or try a natural Yes product. On the rest of your body, you can also use baby oil or massage oil to increase sensations.
7. Take your time to notice those pleasurable areas. Try different strokes, use the tips of your fingers, your nails, the palm or side of your hand. Try different speeds and pressures. Experiment and have fun. Take notice of each movement and sensation at each moment as you move over your body. Don’t think about having an orgasm or push yourself towards an orgasm. This is not the goal. The aim is to build a map of the sensual, pleasurable areas of your body, noticing what you find enjoyable so you can incorporate your experience with your partner.
8. You can try the same approach in the shower or bath. As you step into the bath or shower, notice the water’s temperature and pressure caressing you. To aid different sensations, use shower gel on your hand or face cloth, sponge, exfoliating mesh, or loofah to create different experiences.
9. Spend as much time as you wish on developing your sexual self-awareness and mapping your sensual side, increasing the time and frequency over a week or so until you feel comfortable with your body and the sensations you are creating just for your pleasure.

Whichever approach you decide to take, building pleasure is about what you are enjoying. Don’t displace your pleasure. Own it, focus on your own sensual experience, and have fun.

Photo by Kristina Flour

*To protect their privacy, this is not their real name