18 Nov Shouting on the train: a violent act towards a woman

I was travelling back from London one evening after a long meeting, just minding my own business along with other commuters, when the train started to slow down for the first stop. As the train slowed, people around me began to move towards the train doors. As with most trains leaving London, most people get off at the first stop, so it was getting crowded around the door. As the train started to stop at the station, I saw a woman moving towards door. As the doors opened, she clashed with a man getting on the train with his partner. I didn’t see what happen next, but as the woman was getting off the train, she starts shouting at him. “You’re meant to let people off before you move!”. The man responded by moving closer to the woman and said, “What’s your problem?”. The woman retaliated and stood up to the man getting closer to his face and said, “The ***king problem is you, you ***king t*at, you are meant to ***king let people get off first”. Now I thought there was going to be a fight, as the man started to shout at her and raised his hand but the woman got off, throwing insults behind her while the man’s partner began yelling at him to “Let it be; leave her alone”. The man then decided to sit down. A few of the other passengers were a little shocked, including me. I was not only shocked because of the ferocity of the woman’s response to the man but mainly shocked because of the man’s response to the woman.

After the “dust” had settled, I started to think about why both of these individuals became aggressive so quickly. What was going on for them and why did the man’s partner calmly say “let it be”? Most of it could be put down to the stress of work and wanting to get home. But what if it wasn’t. What if this was a regular occurrence? What if these individuals did it all the time? What if this was a couple arguing either in the street or in their home? I would then be very concerned for both their safety and the actions that could follow if they didn’t stop. I then wondered whether both of them had been or are in a violent or abusive relationship. Was this normal for the man’s partner to be so claiMoreover, it raised questions about whether men and some women are becoming more abusive towards each other outside as well as in their intimate relationships? Or was this just an isolated incident that I happened to witness in front of me?

However, this event raised many questions for me about the conduct of men generally, especially when it comes to talking to women. Why did this man get so aggressive so quickly, and what were the triggers? Moreover, I questioned whether men and some women are becoming more abusive towards each other outside as well as in their intimate relationships? Or was this just an isolated incident that I happened to witness in front of me?

So, what if this man was your friend and you were on the train with him?

I felt like saying something to the man myself but then thought about what I had just seen and had second thoughts about doing anything. Was I right in doing nothing? But what if this man was my friend? What would I have done? What would you have done?

There are several campaigns at the moment that are encouraging men to stand up to their peers when it comes to exploitation, objectification and violence towards women such as Tony Porter’s Call To Men and Jack Katz’s “Violence against women — it’s a men’s issue” and more recently an article in The Guardian about Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, Head of UN for Women, talking about how violence against women is an issue for us all.

We men, in particular, need to be aware of our actions and the actions of our peers. As Tony Porter and Jack Katz mention, we need to “own” our anger and how we behave towards women and how a small comment can turn into a violent act, or in some cases an act of sexual violence. So what would you have done if this was your friend acting like this towards women? Would you have stood up to him and telling him he was “well out of order”, tell him his actions are giving men a bad name, tell him he needs to deal with his anger issues, or would you have said she deserved what she got? I hope it’s not the latter.  So ultimately, men need to be able to deal with these issues, not women.

So what if this was more than just a one-off incident?

Violence towards women, especially in a ‘domestic’ situation is still very high with over a million women each year experience at least one domestic violence incident, while two women in the UK each week are killed by their current or ex-partner. So when I see a man shouting on the train to a woman he’s never met, I just wonder how far these insults would go with his partner at home? However, I might be entirely wrong and he was defending himself for other reasons, or  you might say the man was just mirroring the woman’s anger, but this is just defending the actions that I saw as inappropriate. But there is another concern, the fact his partner was so calm when this happened made me think there might be something else was going on here and if she didn’t calm the situation down quick enough, had she seen this escalate out of control?

So what if you are that man on the train shouting at the woman? Have you done this before? Have you done it at home? If you have done something like this or seen a friend acting this way, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to “own” so you can reduce the anger or violence towards women? This might be your last chance to put your anger right before someone gets seriously hurt, whether it’s your partner, a friend or even a stranger, it’s time to show some compassion and responsibility for your actions.

If you recognise yourself getting angry with your partner for no reason or moving towards or even becoming abusive or physically or emotionally violent towards your partner, you really need to do something to change the way you act towards them. It’s not easy to own up to this, and it can be really difficult to admit that you have harmed someone – emotionally or physically. But to put your hand up and acknowledge that you want to change, can make all the difference to you and your partner. It might even save your relationship, not only with your partner, but with your friends as well.

So what do you do if your anger, or the inappropriate way you are towards women, gets out of control?

The first step is to recognise that your behaviour is inappropriate. You need to admit to yourself that what you are doing is not only hurting yourself but certainly harming the people around you.

You need to admit that your actions need to change and need to change for the better. If you don’t think the way you are behaving is that common, have a look at the comments about how men behave towards women generally from the Every Day Sexism Project. It’s certainly not common. But only you can change the way you behave. You can also help support the way other men behave by setting an example of ethical behaviour and challenge the way you and other men act and talk about women. But you have to want to change.

What’s the next step after recognising and admitting you want to change?

The next step is to try to break the cycle by understanding why you are acting the way you do. Recognise your behavioural patterns and ask yourself when you get angry, what triggers your behaviour, and it’s not your partner or other women. It’s you that controls your behaviour, not other people.

If you do want to change the way you act towards your partner or women generally, it is worth talking to someone about it. There is some good advice from Respect, Broken Rainbow, or even Sex Addicts Anonymous, as each of these organisations can help with how you act towards your partner and other women or men.

If you recognise yourself acting in a way that is harming your partner or the people around you, act now rather than put it off. It can feel shameful to admit you have acted inappropriately, but it’s not as much as the shame of the abuse towards someone else, or even a criminal conviction.

If you are the partner on the receiving end, Women’s Aid offers excellent guidance and local support.

This is not me, but I want to change the way I get angry.

If you feel that you are not at this end of the scale, then think about how you get angry and what affect it has on you and your partner. Stop and think about what this is doing to you and them and recognise where the anger is coming from within you. Step back and become an observer of yourself. If you saw someone acting the way you do when you get angry, what would you think? What would you want to say to them? What would you want to change? What would life be like without anger?

Have a look at your own personal history and see if there is a pattern to the way you get angry. What starts it? It’s not normally the thing that flares up the anger, and it’s usually something that has happened earlier on. So try and recognise when things start to annoy you and deal with them straightaway rather than put them off, as they usually start to fester and grow bigger as time goes by. So try not to bottle up the issues that annoy you. If this is your usual pattern, you might see that when you do “bottle” things up and when the bottle is full it bursts open and can scare the crap out of everyone. So challenge your patterns once you recognise them, and do something different.

Walking away is one strategy that works well to calm anger down. But recognise that you need to walk away and tell your partner that you will be doing this. Don’t say something you might regret but say you need to some time to clam down then you can talk to them about what annoyed you. If you do adopt this strategy, talk to your partner about why you wish to do this, preferably before you have an argument. You also need their agreement that they will leave you alone until you have calmed down. Once you have calmed down, ask your partner if it is a good time to talk. Then talk about how you felt and what upset you. Don’t blame your partner for your anger, own your own anger, instead talk about how the situation upset you and how you wish to resolve the situation.

There are different ways of being able to deal with your anger and how you can have a conversation where both you and your partner feel heard. Respect your partner and trust in how you will act in the future. Like the incident on the train, ultimately it shouldn’t have happened. But if you recognise this behaviour in yourself or in your friends, there is another way to act.

If feel you need to change the way you behave, talk to someone about it. Look around for a counsellor in your area, they will be able to help you look at the issues that are troubling you. It can really help to talk to someone. It can certainly help to change the way you might deal with situations that might lead you to shout at someone, even if it’s on a train.

Photo b Samuel Zeller