08 Oct Getting to really know women’s sexual pleasure

Getting to really know your partner’s sexual pleasure is one of the mysteries we strive to seek. Many couples think they should naturally know how to pleasure their partner sexually. Knowing what to do should be instinctual and spontaneous. Right? All we need to do is unlock the hidden manual in our mind, and then we are off. It’s that easy. Wow!

Sadly, it’s not that easy.   The more research and case studies I read, and the more I talk to my patients about their understanding of how to have a better sex life, the more I realise couples’ thoughts about sex are individual, unique and hidden. Couples seem to flounder when it comes to understanding their own or their partner’s sexual pleasure.

Like most things in life, if we want to become good at something, we need to learn about it. We then need to know how to apply what we have learned and then practice what we have learned. Sex and self-pleasure are the same as learning anything else.  We need to overcome the idea that we could actually learn a bit more than we are really letting on.

Most men essentially know how their bodies work, especially when it comes to self-pleasure, as we have often gotten this practice off to a good start in our teens.  For most women, however, learning and practising self-pleasure and finding out how to have an orgasm can blissfully happen by exploring a specific technique. The technique is usually unique to them, such as stimulating the right spot, which needs the right amount of pressure and the right rhythm in the right setting and context. For other women, this doesn’t happen so quickly for a variety of reasons. I’ve seen some women in my practice talking about their sex life, and masturbation is something they have never practised. This can be for a variety of reasons¹, including finding the right way to masturbate and how to reach an orgasm.

Expanding your learning

I recently had the privilege to have been asked to review the subscription website OMGYes.com, which is all about women’s self-pleasure. You might have guessed from the name of the site what it’s all about.  You might also be thinking about a few other things as well. But let me reassure you. It’s better than you might imagine.

I had a few preconceived notions about how the site’s producers could make women’s sexual self-pleasure accessible and authentic. I needn’t have worried. I found the site beautifully laid out and respectfully composed, with a concise, informative narrative and beautifully produced videos that tastefully allow the participants to relax and feel comfortable talking about masturbation. This site also had highly detailed instructions on the various techniques on how participants could practice and find their unique way of having an orgasm.

The site and the videos are exceptionally informative, allowing the right amount of information, from a short video introducing each technique to short, considerate videos demonstrating each self-pleasuring approach. Each self-pleasuring method is researched as to why women enjoy that approach and how women have found it the most stimulating way to climax. Along with the information about the various techniques, there are clear diagrams on how to make each self-pleasuring technique work.

The videos

The videos and the demonstrations by each woman showing how to stimulate their vulva and clitoris are not sexualised in any way. They are produced for educational purposes, which hits the right spot (no pun intended) when it comes to being informative about this sensitive subject.

What was marvellous were the interactive videos. These videos allow the viewer to practice the technique of stimulating either themself or their partner in a “hands-on” way. You can use your finger on an iPad to follow the method just learned and gain instant feedback on how you might perform if you were to use this pleasuring technique in real life.

While the material is explicit, after watching a few videos and demonstrations by the participants, I became comfortable watching the videos. The excellent instructional manuals will help women to know their own bodies and for men to understand how each woman is entirely different and their unique way of having a clitoral orgasm.

While the instructions were excellent, I would expect, like anything we might learn, you will need several replays of the videos and interactive videos to understand the technique in more detail!

I would highly recommend OMGYes for couples, men or women who want to learn how to have a clitoral orgasm or know how to have a better orgasm.  Couples can then practice together or on their own after watching the videos.

The only downside was I felt a little inadequate as a man, mainly when the participants talked about their exceptional lovers giving them amazing orgasms. While this is my sense of not living up to social expectations as a man, I felt that I could understand more about how to pleasure women and what they might enjoy rather than trying to be the next Casanova.

Where to start…

I recommend looking at each of the titles and finding the one you are curious about, or that fits your preferences. Then, watch each of the videos and then the video demonstrations.

I would recommend you read about “Signalling” first. The instructions and videos will give you an idea of women’s experiences and how to communicate with your partner about what is preferred.

In my practice, I have found couples don’t really know whether they should talk about what they like or dislike when it comes to sexual pleasure.  When consulting with patients in therapy, I emphasise that communication is the key to good sex. It’s not about communicating negative messages. It’s about giving your partner feedback to know how you would like something more or less pleasurable. Rather than explicitly saying you don’t want something or “don’t do that”, which can be a turn-off, emphasise what is enjoyable and ask to do more of that instead.

Since reviewing OMGYes, they have added another series of videos called The Inner Pleasure Collection.  Explore each one to find the one that is right for you.

An alternative to OMGYes is Laurie Mintz’s book Becoming Cliterate: Why orgasm equality matters and How to Get It.

1. An excellent book to understand the various reasons why women find it difficult to masturbate or enjoy sex is Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that will transform your sex life. ↩

Photo by Alexandru Zdrobău on Unsplash