02 Oct Talking about how you feel: a few steps to get started

At certain times in our life, we can feel as if we can’t talk to the one person we hoped we could: our partner.  When this happens, we can feel stuck and struggle to express what’s going on for us.   We might just keep whatever’s going on to ourselves.  As one of my patients said, “I find it really difficult to talk about all the ‘busyness’ going on in my head”.   This is when everything can seem too overwhelming even to contemplate talking about, let alone to our partner, as it can seem just too much to let out.

So when it comes to talking to someone else, even our partner, about how we feel, we find ourselves in a challenging position.  We can start to feel a bit scared of what it might sound like if we start talking about how we feel or even what the repercussions might be if we open up and say how we are really feeling. We might even start to think,  “what will people think if I tell them this?”, “I don’t want to burden someone with all my troubles, as they’ve problem got enough on their plate”, or even “I’ll probably feel worse if I tell someone how I feel”.  These thoughts can feel real at any time, but they also make us avoid telling others how we are really feeling.

We’ve all heard the same advice from our friends and family about talking: “it’s better out than inside your head”, “just tell someone, you will feel a lot better”, “a trouble shared is a trouble halved”, “you will feel the weight lift off your shoulders if you just talk to someone about how you feel”.

But in the end, it’s whether talking to someone about how you feel will make a difference for you.

So here are a few tips to get you started.

Preparing yourself to talk

1. The prominent challenge people find in talking to someone about their feelings is taking that first step. Now the first step only really has to be a small step.  You don’t need to talk about all your feelings at once, just one. Think about the one feeling you need to get out (here are a few to get you started).  It doesn’t have to be the most challenging, but one you feel you need to get off your chest.
2. If you can’t think of one thing, start to write down the things that bother you the most emotionally.  Could you make a list of them?  You don’t need to write an essay (well, you can if you feel that will help you). Just list the things that are bothering you. Then prioritise them from 1 to 5 – five being the most important thing to discuss and one being the least important.  Then think about how you might talk about those essential things that bother you most.
3. Keep a diary, a notebook, or even Post It notes about how you feel.  Writing just a few words at a time might be less daunting. Writing your feelings down can help you get all your emotionally loaded thoughts onto the paper rather than having them stay in your head.  Writing down your thoughts can help make talking about how you feel a bit easier, as you can start to see some order to how you feel and how you might talk about how you feel.

Making the step to talk

1. Approach a friend, family member or your partner, someone you know who will listen to you.    Ask them if they have some time to talk to you. Say it’s a personal matter, and you just want them to listen to you, not necessary solve your problem. If you want them to give some advice, ask them once you’ve got what you want to say.
2. Before you start talking, have a goal in mind for what you want to talk about and what you hope to feel once it’s out in the open.  For example, if you are feeling hurt by what someone said to you, your goal might be to say how it feels about being hurt by that person and what it was like for you in that situation.  Then think about what you would like to feel after talking about it: happier, angry, relieved, etc.
3. Now pick the one feeling from your list that is important to you and read this out to the person listening.  Explain what this means to you and when you feel like this. Explain what situation made you feel like this, what you want to do about feeling this way, and why.
4. After talking about your concerns, let the person who is listening know how you now feel. This will help you, and them understand whether it has been helpful to talk about what’s on your mind.

After the experience

1. Think about how it felt talking about your feelings.  If it was a good experience, tell the person who was listening why it was good. If it wasn’t a good experience, write down why, and think about what you’d do differently next time. Would you choose someone else to talk to? Would you slow your conversation down? Would you say more or say less next time?  Whatever it is, do try and talk about your feelings again.
2. Finally, think about what you learned about yourself. What was it that you discovered about yourself while talking? Did talking about how you feel remind you of any past situation? If so, what was it, and how did it affect you? Then think about how you would feel talking about these thoughts and feelings next time.

If you are struggling to talk to someone, you might find it easier to speak to a therapist.  They will listen to you without judging you, and they can help you with what you want to achieve.

Talking to someone you don’t know can feel strange, but that’s the great thing about a counsellor; they are just there for you and will keep your conversation confidential.

If you are struggling with how you are feeling and you can’t talk to someone close to you, give a counsellor a go.  They can help.

Image: Stairs by Elisabetta Foco