16 Jul Tips on paying attention to your partner
Reading Time: 7 minutesMaking more time to notice…
This is a short extract from one of the chapters in the book I’m currently writing for busy couples. I’d love to hear what you think about it so far…
We all need a bit of love and attention. It’s in our nature to feel wanted, even if we don’t admit it to ourselves. To have someone pay us attention can make us feel loved and secure. It’s when that attention is taken away that we might start to doubt whether our partner loves us. For some people this is OK, but when your partner isn’t there for you, you will notice they might not be there at all.
When this attention is initially taken away, we might not notice anything significantly different. We might see your partner is just really busy with the children, out with friends, on the phone to work, studying away, looking on Facebook or whatever is pulling them away from you. It’s OK in the beginning, but when it’s consistent and persistent, it can then become frustrating when they are not paying you the attention you need or want. You might also be the one who is busy. Work takes you away from your family and partner. It might feel as if your job is sucking the life out of you or you might enjoy the pressure and long hours. But at what cost?
Too busy to pay attention
As work and other distractions take us away from the people we love, we start to drift and not notice them anymore. If our focus is distracted by work or different types of priorities that mean something to you at that moment in time, then we might seek the attention we long for somewhere else. This is what happened to Chris. He was happily married to Penny, his beautiful wife of 7 years. They had two young children, and Chris had a great job, where he had just got a promotion and was enjoying being the person who everyone went to for help and to decide on what decisions they should make. Chris felt needed at work and would regularly check his phone for messages at home, which were mainly from work. The problem was he had always wanted Penny to give him the attention he wanted, as when he was younger, his father and mother wouldn’t invariably be there for him with any loving affection. However, Penny was too busy looking after the children, doing housework and attending to her part-time job, which she also loved. For Penny, there didn’t seem to be enough time for herself, let alone give her full attention to Chris. So Chris sought recognition elsewhere at work with Claire. Claire was having a hard time at home as well. So they consoled in each other, gave each other the attention they were seeking and started to have an affair that lasted two years. Their relationship ended when Claire’s husband found out, and everyone’s world fell apart. As you would expect, this isn’t what Chris or Penny wanted to happen. For everyone involved, their world was turned upside-down.
Now Chris and Penny’s situation is an extreme one, but it happens – often. We start to wonder where the love and attention have gone. Our focus could be giving our partner can be taken away by various distractions. It’s doesn’t mean you should or would have an affair, but if you feel you parent er isn’t there for you, then you need to do something about it.
Being distracted together
John and Grace were distracted, too. They thought their mobile phones were taking them away from each other. In the evenings both of them were responding to work messages, looking up Twitter feeds or Facebook posts of other people’s lives. They complained they never seemed to have the time for each other and that they never talked. In fact, the average Twitter user spends 52 minutes a day on using Twitter 1. It’s not only Twitter, but Facebook and other social media platforms have also been cited as grounds for divorce 2.
More often though, when one person is seen using their phone, the other might feel phone snubbed, or “phubbed”, by other. The injured party will then often turn to their smartphones and social media to regain a sense of belonging and acceptance 3.
So when the distraction of John and Grace using their mobile phones was pointed out to them, they realised they needed to stop having this distraction when they were together. They felt the evenings were a good time for them to be together when they watched TV, but each had their own television programme they wanted to watch. So the other would read or do something with the children while the other watched the TV. Again, they felt they weren’t connecting. They realised that they spent too much time watching the TV and not talking. They thought they were drifting apart because of the TV. Once John and Grace had realised how much time they were being distracted by watching other people’s lives rather than watching their own life together, they changed the way they used their time as a couple. They found the space and connection they needed by switching off all electronic devices and were able to find the time to sit down and talking to each other. They found this unusual at first, mainly because they hadn’t spoken, really spoke for such a long time. Once both got talking, they were off discussing the things they missed about each other. While the TV and their phones were still in their lives, they made more time for themselves rather than occupying all their time with an electronic reality.
Life becomes routine
For John and Grace, their need for attention was different to Chris and Penny’s. John and Grace had forgotten each other. Life might have become routine, so they sought out a different world, a vicarious world and had ignored their reality. On the other hand, Chris and Penny’s attention was more emotional and physical. Chris was seeking the recognition he hadn’t fulfilled from his childhood and was trying to get it in the present from Penny. When she wasn’t available, Chris sought out others who would give him the attention he craved. Initially, it was his work, then his work colleagues, then Claire. Gradually Chris got closer to someone where he felt he was needed. He also liked the excitement and secretive nature of the attention he was getting. Flirting with the desire to explore more and sexually connect with Claire. In all this though, all Chris wanted was the attention from Penny. But for Penny, Chris was overbearing with his need. She liked to be free and not have to look after another child who needed constant reassurance and attention. So she managed Chris’s needs rather than asking for the help she needed with the house and children, which was initially the type of attention she was seeking from Chris.
In Chris and Penny’s case, this is where our intrapsychic differences take place. If we don’t feel secure in ourselves, then our relationship won’t feel safe. We can start to feel anxious, as Chris did when he didn’t get the attention he was seeking, or we can avoid our partner as our attention can feel too smothering even though all we might be asking is some love and recognition from our partner. Instead, we just throw back how it makes us feel into our partner’s face, causing an argument about, well about anything other than what we need for ourselves.
Penny and Grace were looking loving attention from their partners. To feel wanted and loved. To be held, physically close with a hug. To be touched, either in passing or with flirting sensitivity. To feel they were attractive. To feel emotionally supported and secure in letting their guard down when they are feeling vulnerable. To start to feel they were alive. Penny also wanted to feel supported, especially with the everyday life activities with the children and housework. To help notice and pay attention to what else she needed to make her feel loved.
For these couples, being noticed was what was missing in their relationship. While they needed to have attention paid to them, in small ways rather than big gestures, they also needed to be noticed, to notice them with purposeful attention.
Noticing your partner, noticing your ‘self’
- Do you know what attention you are seeking from your partner?
- Do you know what attention you are you avoiding?
- What do you cherish about your partner that deserves attention?
- What do you cherish about yourself that deserves attention?
- What attention do you currently give your partner?
- Do they notice this attention? Is it appreciated?
- What could you, that you are not doing currently, that would offer your partner the attention they need or deserve?
- Do you feel this attention would be reciprocated? If not, why?
Paying attention doesn’t have to be hard work. It’s about being present in your current situation. Being mindful of the what your partner needs. Think about this right now. What have you been doing other than reading this blog? Have you thought about how you might pay (more, or less) attention to your partner? Think about the value they give you and what value you give them. Have you been paying enough attention? Have you been paying too much attention but to the wrong things they need?
Think about the last time you were attentive to your partner. What was it like for you and how did your partner respond?
To be attentive to yourself and your partner
We are all busy in one shape or form. It’s slowing down a bit that’s important, just to see what’s happening in front of you. To be attentive to yourself and your partner:
Find the space and time to be attentive
Notice the time and space for being attentive to your needs and your partners. Is it the right setting and context for your partner? Is it the right moment?
Share your time
Put time in your diary to be with your partner. It may seem contrived, but by putting time aside, you can plan to do something together, even if it’s just talking in the kitchen at home. Look at the routines you have together. Look in your diary to see if you can find the space, whether it’s 2 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour or a day, each day, every day, so you can plan your time together to be attentive and focus on what’s important to you and your partner.
Focus on the pleasures
Focus on the joys your partner gives you, find their needs that you can fulfil. Notice the small, delicate pleasures they give you, and you can reciprocate to them. Cherish the moments you have together, as they can be lost in busy lives if they are not noticed.
Put away all electronic devices
Put away all electronic devices to spend time with your partner and give them your full attention. Make a rule to put all electronic gadgets in one place, out of the way when you come home. Make this a practice for your children as well, especially when you are all together.
Notice your partner’s needs
Emotionally fulfil your partner’s life by noticing their emotional state. Notice the emotional weight your partner might be carrying. Ask them to share their burden with you. Say you’ve seen your partner stressed or unhappy about something, ask them what you can do for them. Be empathic and pay attention by listening to what your partner is saying to you.
Once you notice what your partner is asking, try adjusting your needs to fit with what is missing from your experience so you can appreciate them, and they can start to understand you.
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References
- Are You Tweeting Away Your Relationships?https://health.clevelandclinic.org/2014/08/are-you-tweeting-away-your-relationships/
- Facebook cited in up to a third of divorces http://m.health24.com/Health24/Sex/Relationships/Facebook-cited-in-up-to-a-third-of-divorces-20140416
- People Who Are “Phone Snubbed” By Others Often Turn To Their Own Phones, Social Media For Acceptance http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&story=182395
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