13 Jan What to do if your partner finds out you’ve been having an affair

What should you do?

One of the most significant problems with having an affair is keeping it secret. There are many ways different ways the relationship could be revealed. Your face and attitude could give it away: the guilt, shame, lies and deceit could affect how you are with your intimate partner. You might think you are getting away with it, but something, however small, will give you away, and you might not be having an affair but keeping it a secret!

I’m not saying everyone will know you are having an affair. You might be good at hiding it, and no one will ever know. But one day, maybe not today, but someday, you might give something away.  Or more than likely, something else unexpected might give you away: a mobile phone left on the side with a text message flashing on it, your Facebook account left signed in when you “just pop out” of the room, or a letter left somewhere, anywhere. Whatever it is, your partner might eventually find it, accidentally or on purpose.

There are many reasons why people have affairs. Too many to mention here. But it could be about how your feelings towards your partner have changed. Or how your lack of connection with your partner has “made” you “drift” into the affair. It could be that your relationship has deteriorated already and it’s your way out (but just not yet, as you haven’t found the right words to leave your partner). Or it could be about sex, or the lack of it, in your relationship.

So what difference does it make if you are having an affair? Can you get away with it? Can you have your cake and eat it?  If only it were that simple.

If you are having an affair, I’m not trying to scare you into thinking your partner is watching you. Your guilt might give you away instead! Anyway, it’s none of my business whether you are having an affair. So why am I writing about it? Well, it’s more about when you do get caught that I’m interested in writing about rather than helping you how to avoid getting caught.

Getting Found Out

The chances are your partner might be suspicious already. So what should you do or say when they ask you if you are having an affair?

There are many reasons not to tell the truth. Ultimately it’s about whether you can come to terms with being found out.

You’ll probably be scared of what your partner will say or do. You probably don’t want to hurt them because you still care for them, even always love them. So the most natural thing to do is deny the affair ever happened. Yes! Easy, as you won’t need to trigger all the pain and hurt that comes with opening a can of worms. Well, if only it were that easy. No, this isn’t a good idea. You could hold back and not tell them anything, but would your partner know you are telling the truth? I doubt it.

But what if they have evidence of your affair? Well, you can’t deny it then, surely? Well, you could, but you will just make matters worse if you refuse to admit to the affair.

The best thing to do is, to tell the truth!

“Are you insane”, I hear you say. Well, I’m not entirely mad, just yet. But if you have been found out, what else is there, especially if you want to keep your partner. It’s your call, but telling the truth will lessen the impact on your relationship.

However, telling your partner the “truth” also depends on how your partner will react. And yes the reaction will depend on whether you have broken their trust in the past. Being unfaithful before maybe the killer blow to your relationship. If your partner has found out already, their confidence in you has more than like already gone. If you do tell your partner about the affair, there is also no guarantee that you will keep your partner either, that’s one of the reasons why you’ve thought the best option in the first place would be not to tell the truth. But it’s a gamble.

Telling the truth to save your relationship

Here are a few tips on how to keep your relationship if you get found out you are having an affair:

1. Don’t deny it didn’t happen

   Be open about what happened. It could be the end of your relationship, so what do you have to lose as it will give you a chance to set the record straight.

2. Answer their questions

   Don’t tell your partner the detail of how and when yet.  That will come later when they start to ask you the questions. Let them know why you did it, and not because your partner was a bad person, say how it felt for you when they did whatever it was when you decided to have an affair. Yes, I know, you didn’t make a decision. There you go again. There was a decision, so be honest with your partner and yourself.

3. Be open and honest

   Be open and honest as you can when your partner asks you questions. If you haven’t ever really talked to your partner before and you want to try and save your relationship, here is your chance to start to express how you feel about the situation. Answer their questions as best as you can. You will feel awful and embarrassed about the questions they ask, but try to answer them.

4. Realisation your relationship might be over

   It will suddenly dawn on you that you have lost the person you love. They won’t ever be the same again with you. Knowing this is one of the hardest bits to understand. Your partner has lost their trust in you, and they won’t see you as they saw you before again. That is if they stay. So you need to show them some respect, some trust, by giving them your phone or access to your emails, if you can. But remember only show them what you willing and can show them. Remember, the person whom you had an affair with may send evidence to your partner if they are unhappy with the affair ending.

5. It wasn’t just about sex

   Try not to say “it was just sex” or “it didn’t mean anything”, as this wouldn’t be true as it did mean something and it was a little more than sex. However, if your partner asks, remember tip number 2, be honest and open to answering the question. Explain what sex means to you and why you did have sex with another person. Also, explain what sex has meant to you and your partner in the past. This would give some context as to why you might have had the affair if it was about sex.

6. Give your partner some space to think

   Finally, after your partner has listened to you and you have kept to the tips, your partner, after they have taken in what you have said, will need time by themselves to decide what they should do. You need to give them that space. You also need to reassure them that you want to try to rebuild your relationship and for them to trust you again if that’s what you want.

What next?

Rebuilding your relationship will take time to do, for both you and your partner. It’s not going to be an overnight reconciliation. However, keep in contact with them. Send them a text or email to keep the communication up, but don’t overdo it and persistent on getting back to the way it used to be in the past. That’s not possible.

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, some secrets can’t be kept hidden. The way you both were in the past has now ended, and you have to start again. Your relationship will not be the same, but you can make it work if you and your partner want to make it work. Keep talking and keep working on the tips if you can.

Photo: “Love Triangle” by Marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net and Three on Pier by Paul Proshin